New Beginnings and Disappointments

In about an hour we are going to church to celebrate the ordination of two wonderful men. Russ and his family are getting ready to start a multicultural church in downtown Jackson. Mark and his family are getting ready to head to Lisbon, Portugal to be full time missionaries. It is exciting to see how the Lord has called and prepared these two families for the next step in their work for the Kingdom. I can't wait to watch how He works through both of these new ventures.

As I watch my friends preparing for new adventures, it is a stark contrast to the disappointment I feel over another dead end on the search for our own. Two years ago we thought we had a new beginning, and it didn't happen. That was our fault. We said no. This time it wasn't our choice. We did everything in our power, and it still didn't happen. Although I am very sad, it is easier to know that we were obedient to the end. The sadness will dissipate much faster and easier than the anger and guilt I felt before.

As I write I wonder, will I have the courage to dream again? Yet, even as I ask that question, I know the answer. Because I know that the dream has never changed. So the real question is, do I trust enough to believe it will happen-not in my timing (obviously), but in the Lord's? And when the sadness rolls away, I believe that I will. Maybe the last three and a half months were just the training grounds for what waiting really means. I need to learn to do it well-and bring glory and honor to the Lord, even in the desert.

I Want to be a Bird

It's spring, and the hawks are out in full force. As I've watched them circling the fields, I have been amazed at the thought of how they can see little mice and other critters from way up there, and how they can time their swoop perfectly to snatch one up for dinner.

Today, though, as I watched two hawks dancing in the sky, I thought, "I bet sometimes birds fly just because they can." I wish I was a bird.

Thoughts on Waiting

Later I will post about the fun times I had with the kids over the weekend. I want to put pictures with it, and they are on my computer at home. Today I want to just admit that I am feeling lonely. It's gotten a bit better over the past couple of weeks, but today is hard. Yesterday some people we love accepted a new job and announced that they are preparing to move. They don't live here, so they're not leaving us. It made me sad a bit, though, because there is hope in that second chance. As happy as I am for them, I feel a twinge of jealousy that it is not us.

Living in Jackson is very hard. I've had people say, "Well, you were lonely in high school, so what makes this worse?" What makes it worse is that high school, being a teenager in general, has an end. No matter how miserable it is, you know you will be moving on. This city, unless your family has lived here for generations or you went to Union, will never ever welcome you. You could live here a hundred years and never be "from here". When you go visit other places, people say, "Where are you from?" in a way that says they are interested in your story. Here they say, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" in a way that reminds you that you will ALWAYS be an outsider. Today, I am struggling with the loneliness of living here again.

At lunch I read Lamentations 3:17-29, 55-58. The whole chapter is good, but these verses spoke to my heart today.

"I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, 'My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord.' I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust-there may yet be hope...I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: 'Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.' You came near when I called you, and you said, 'Do not fear.' O Lord, you tooko up my case; you redeemed my life."

I am so glad that I am not the only one who has struggled with stuckness, and that God's Word itself is full of encouragement from those who have walked this way before. "It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." May it come quickly.

A Glimpse of God's Pain

Last night at Bible study we were talking about love, fear (or lack of fear) in love, and people's response to love. It made me think of two friends whom I love dearly. Both of them struggle with depression, and have a tendency to withdraw and avoid love. Most of the time when I call, they don't answer. I will leave repeated messages, and they do not respond. This hurts my heart. I know that they are my friends and that they are not avoiding me because they don't love me. They simply don't feel lovable, and therefore do not know how to receive love from me, or others who try to love them.

How many times have I felt unworthy of God's love? I knew He was calling to me to spend time with Him, to pray and read His Word, His love letter to me. Yet, because of my unworthiness, I have avoided His advances. I haven't respond to His love because I do not know how to receive it. If I know how much it hurts my heart to be avoided by my friends, and I can only love them with limited human love, how much more must it hurt the heart of God for me to avoid His offers of love?

I pray all the time that the Lord will show me His heart. Often there is pain in what is revealed. "Perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18) Imagine what we could accomplish if we were unafraid to love, regardless of the pain or consequences. Oh, if we could only live every day with the heart of our Lord. We may feel so much more pain, but we would also change the world.

I think I'm Schizophrenic

Not really. But lately it sure feels like it. One minute I am totally at peace and sure that things are going to work out exactly the way I want them to. Then I am depressed and imagining the worst case scenario. Then I am angry at the way things are right now and my inability to change it. Then I am fully surrendered to the Lord and committed to doing (with a good attitude, mind you), whatever He asks me to do. Sometimes those feelings all happen within 10 minutes of each other. Im glad this is situational and not permanent. Whew! I can't imagine feeling like this all the time.

Today is a pretty good day as far as all that goes. I have once again had to lay down my will and ask God to give me the desires of my heart. Not the things that I want, necessarily, but if what I want is not His will, that He would replace my desires with His. I have to do that daily, sometimes lots of times a day, because my desires are so strong right now. Is any of this making sense?

I really want to be led by His truth rather than by my feelings. When I am, the schizophrenia gives way to peace and joy and security. Today I commit to trying to focus on truth every time my feelings try to take over. Wish me luck.

Definition of a Good Day

So, how would you define a good day? For me, a good day is one where I have experienced God, adventure, humor and real relationship with other people. The who, what, when, where and how is pretty irrelevant.

Jadon has been getting in trouble in school again (oh, if only he could learn to keep his mouth shut!). Three days last week he had to pull a card. Thursday night he wanted his hair cut to get ready for school pictures on Friday, so I got out the clippers and "made his head fuzzy".

After school on Friday, Jadon got in the van and said, "I got my haircut. I had my picture taken. I stayed on purple. I get a treat, AND it's snowing! It's been a good day!" Sounds like a great definition of a good day to me :)

Yesterday it snowed! A lot! Ok, a lot for Tennessee. We had 3 inches on the top of our van and 4 inches in the grass.
When it started yesterday I first amused myself by watching the natives panic. Seriously, you have to laugh at them, or you get really annoyed by the irrationality of it all. I mean, we are in west Tennessee. Even if we do get a lot of snow, tomorrow it will be 60 degrees and it will all melt anyway. Are 10 gallons of milk and 48 bottles of water truly necessary?

Then the kids and I drove around town shopping for gloves and singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs. When we got home they played outside until they were soaking wet, and then it was time for hot chocolate.

This morning we went sledding with some friends. It was a great time (while the snow lasted). Like I said, we are in west Tennessee.




The rest of the day we have spent working on the house. I should say, Mark has spent working on the house. I have alternated between sorting through kids clothes and avoiding working on the house. I know it needs to be done (probably VERY QUICKLY), but it all feels very overwhelming to me. When I get overwhelmed, I avoid. This only results in more overwhelmedness. Pretty dumb, huh? I guess I should get off the computer and finish the clothes.

Renewed Passion

It is amazing how much better you feel physically, emotionally and even spiritually after a good night's sleep. I still didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but it was REALLY cold in our room. Getting the heat fixed would probably help that little problem.

God is so good! The past few years have been a great struggle for me, knowing that my relationship with Him was not where it should be-not even where it used to be. I never want to be one of those "used-to-be" Christians, but I didn't know how to get back to where I was and grow from there. Discouragement and depression are very difficult monsters to fight, especially on your own.

Years ago I had those same struggles. I came to the point where I realized I couldn't force growth, so I started praying and asking God to give me a passion for Him and His Word that was beyond anything I could manufacture on my own. After praying that every day for almost two years, I looked back and realized that he had done it. He had given me that passion, and it happened while I was not paying attention. When you live like that with the Lord, and then feel you've lost it, the discouragement is great.

Last fall I decided that the only way to get back on track was to go back to the last place I knew where God was. I started praying that prayer again. Before Christmas, breakthroughs started happening. I could see where God was breaking down walls of defense that I had been unwilling to acknowledge. Fear is also a pretty big monster.

This week, finally, I feel free from so much of that garbage. The love that I feel, the passion for people to know and love the Lord, is not for the people I have asked God to help me love (not that they are not important). It's just that I had an idea in my head of what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to be focused on, and where I should be spending my energy. The good thing is, God knows what parts of our prayers should be honored, and which don't fit His purposes. He does renew passion and spiritual ferver, and He gives us hearts that fit his purposes and where He wants to use us. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Footwear Blessings and French Toast Failures

Yesterday I went to Shoe Carnival to look for a pair of baby boy cowboy boots. Yes, I know-my boys aren't babies anymore. But there's a good reason. They're for Mark and I (really!) LOL! Anyway, there were no baby boots to be found. There were, though, some really nice, leather everyday shoes for Ian and Jadon that were marked down to $5 each! How cool is that?!?! The best part is that Lynnea's gymnastics was $10 less than planned this month (who knows why), so I ended up paying a whole dollar (after tax) more than I planned on spending anyway. Gotta love those little blessings.

So, here's some of the encouragement the Lord has given me in my waiting. The first, Psalm 16:5-11, was part of my devotion time while watching the sun rise over the mountains in Wyoming: "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will also rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

The second is one that He gave me this morning. Last night was a bad night. I made breakfast food for the kids, since they were about to die without cinnamon french toast :) First I turned on the griddle, started the bacon, dropped a slab of french toast on the griddle and...nothing. I had plugged in the toaster instead of the griddle. Then, after everything was cooked, hot and ready to be eaten I realized that I had forgotten to purchase the all important bottle of maple syrup. The kids ate the french toast anyway. Mark ate eggs. I ate nothing. Lynnea had forgotten her book bag at gymnastics and still had homework, so I went back to the gym to get her backpack. On the way, I remembered that I had also not purchased supplies that I had promised my boss I would have by today. So...back to Walmart I went. I got the supplies as well as some much needed comfort ice cream. 34 is way too young to be losing my mind. Needless to say, I needed some encouragement. This is what I got:

Psalm 20: "May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May He send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. May He remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. May He give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all your requests. Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed; He answers him from His holy heaven with the saving power of His right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. O Lord, save the king! Answer us when we call!"

As I typed out that last passage, I got to thinking. Yes, I know-big surprise. Over the past ten years, especially the last 5, I have sacrificed much of myself and my heart. I have to admit, though, that many of them, especially the past two years, have been with a bad attitude. And I wonder, how much of my sacrifices are acceptable because of that. I do repent wholeheartedly for that attitude. There can never be true sacrifice without a broken, contrite, and right heart before the Lord. No matter what happens during and after the waiting, may my heart attitude be pleasing and acceptable once again to my Lord.

Life Abundantly

Today I am thinking about life. While in Wyoming, Mark and I met a man named Irv who has been a rancher his whole life. His ranch goes back 5 generations in his family, and he is now training a young man, Cole, who he calls his son, to take over. The respect and love that Cole has for Irv is obvious and understandable the minute you meet him. He is a gruff old man with a heart of gold.

One thing that I noticed above all else when Irv talked was his ability to love and live life. Everything he talked about-his family, his land, his work, his friends, his neighbors-is intertwined. There is no separation. They are not parts of his life. They are his life. He has a deep love for all of it and no tolerance for anyone who doesn't. It is a protective love, one that would die for the people and things he loves and believes in. That's the kind of love the Lord has for us, and I truly believe it is that love that is the source of real life.

When we can get to a point in our lives where we live and love completely, unselfishly, generously-then we can say we are experiencing the abundant life that Jesus said He came to give us. Compartmentalizing our lives makes the mundane, everyday, unlikable tasks, as well as the people we just have to put up with, something that must be endured to get to the good stuff. Living life fully and wholly makes them part of the abundance, part of the gift, that would not be complete without their presence. It forces us to love, yet, at the same time, we do it without thinking of the have-to's. We want to, because the loving has become the living. There is no separation.

I don't know if Irv knows the Lord. I hope he does, and will pray that he will if he doesn't yet. I do know that much of what he has learned, and how he has gotten to this point in his life comes from the love and relationship he has with the creation of God surrounding him-the mountains, water, animals, land and people. That is such an awesome example of the way that God's creation is a testimony of Him. Everything He's made, everyone His hand touches, draws people to the reality of who He is and the kind of relationship He wants to have with all of us. May my life speak in the same way. May I learn to truly live love.

On Hold

Have you ever been on an airplane that has to stay up in the air, circling your destination, while you look down, waiting to land, even catching a glimpse of the airport that, once you get there, will be the beginning of the next stage of your adventure? Most often when this happens, we as passengers are unaware of all of the reasons behind the delay. Only the pilot and those in air traffic control really understand the big picture. All we can do is trust them to do their jobs, keep us up there until it's safe to land, and land us before we run out of fuel.

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in that kind of holding pattern. Mark and I are there right now. We have put much of our lives on hold, including giving up returning to Albania this summer. That is the hardest part for me. We are waiting. We have no control over the timing or decisions of others. We don't have a glimpse behind the scenes or of the big picture. We have to trust.

Psalm 37:3-7a says, "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him"

To "be still" before the Lord here means "to let down the hands, cease striving". That's hard. God does not expect us to sit around our house begging Him to give us everything we desire with no effort on our part. He does, though, want us to do what we can in our own strength and then trust Him with the rest. That's where we are. We have done everything we can to the best of our abilities. Everything else in out of our control. We have to trust.

I want to say that's easy. I want to say that I've got this waiting thing all figured out. I want to say that I can sit back and trust fully. But I am scared. There's probably nothing in my life that I have wanted more than I do this thing. This morning in my prayer time I told the Lord that, in all honesty, I trust Him to do what's best for our family, as well as for the others involved. I just want more than anything for it to work out in our favor. Maybe that's selfish, but it's how I feel. I hope that my testimony during this time will be one of faithfulness in the waiting and a total trust in my Lord. But I will continue to pray for a "yes". This is my dream. I have to trust.