In My Own Strength

If you know me at all, you know that I have the most wonderful family and church family anyone could ever ask for. I love them all very deeply, and the Lord has used them in many ways to heal my heart. Because of them, I have been able to not only accept our geographical location, but to also begin to embrace it and serve excitedly. Over the past month, though, I had some major setbacks in that area and could not understand why. Through a lot of prayer and soul-searching, I believe that I know what I did to cause that.

Things have gotten much better over the past year or so. When we went to Albania in July, I was excited to share my story about how the Lord has worked and who He has brought into my life. I wanted to tell of God's faithfulness to someone as undeserving as me. On our last day there, I had the opportunity to do just that.

In preparation for that time, though, I never considered needing God's strength to do it. I asked for His words and His wisdom, but never His strength. I could see only how well I had been doing and feeling, and did not take into consideration the old feelings my story would bring up. Because it was our last day, it came right before I had 24 hours on airplanes to sit and think.

Then, when I got back, I got into a car for over 36 hours to get the kids from Wisconsin, and followed that with a trip home for my grandma's funeral. All of the travel combined kept me away from Northbrook for 5 weeks. Therefore, I had time to dwell on the old feelings without ever being in a place to be reminded of where God has brought me and who He has put with me. I was weak, tired and thinking on the wrong things-the old things.

God says in 1 Peter 4:10-11, "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." (italics emphasis mine)

In all we do, we need to do it in His strength, so that in all of it, He may be praised. I forgot I needed His strength, and I suffered the setback because of it. I am thankful even more for the loving support of my family & church family, for the time to recover and be refreshed, and for a God who renews my strength when it is gone.

For Parents Who Hurt

I have always loved nature-lakes, rivers, mountains, wild animals. One of the things I have found as my kids grow is that, although I still love these things and enjoy the peace of being surrounded by them, these times also bring sad, uncomfortable feelings. This morning I woke up in a basement (really, people have nice basements you can sleep in) with a window overlooking a beautiful lake with the sun just peaking in. And I was absolutely overwhelmed with guilt-so much so that I almost couldn't get out of bed. The choices we have made to live where we do means that my children will rarely get to experience this kind of peace & beauty. They can't even ride their bikes around the neighborhood without fear of something bad happening to them. I worry that they will resent me for that, that they will grow up wishing they had experienced so much more.

Don't get me wrong. We do as much as we can to give them those kinds of experiences. We take them camping (although we haven't been able to do that since someone stole our trailer hitch from our front yard), go on vacation to small towns and pretty places, and bring them home to Minnesota & Wisconsin whenever we can. But the guilt and fear remains constant-even if sometimes in the back of my mind.

This morning as it overwhelmed me, though, that feeling like we are messing our kids up forever, the Lord gave me a passage that I have read many times. Joel 2:23-26 says, "Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for He has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. 'I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten-the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the swarm-my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.'"

I know many parents who feel the same way I do-some live in an unsafe, unloving place; others live in a nice place surrounded by family, but one of their kids is picked on and rejected; some are missionaries who believe firmly in their calling, yet one or more of their children don't fare well on the mission field; many just simply don't have the money or time to give their children even some of the simpler opportunities they wish they could. We all do the best we can as parents, yet there are always things we wish we could do better. We can hold on to the promise that God is our ultimate Father. He loves and cares for all of His children, our children, much better than we ever could. And He will redeem the years the locusts have eaten. The years where they, and we, could have had much more. (I don't mean material things here. Unless they are necessities, they are not important.)

We love and support our kids, raise them in the faith and knowledge of Jesus Christ, give them as many opportunities for growth and health as we possibly can, and trust God with the rest. He can take both what they have and don't have, what they have experienced (good and bad), to teach them and make something beautiful of their lives. Knowing that, I will try to let go of some of the guilt and shame of what I can't change or do and do the best I can with what I have. And I hope this encourages some of you to do the same.