There have been many times in my life where the Lord has convicted me of something that needs to be changed or surprised me with a situation I wasn't ready for or allowed me to go through a difficult time in order to learn and grow. In all of that, I have never experience the depth of change, conviction or emotions that I've experienced over the past few weeks.
Those of you who know me know that I would give just about anything to get out of, and far away from, the south forever. This is a place and a culture of people that reminds me constantly in a hundred different ways that I don't fit and never will. As Mark and I have talked through some things over the past couple of weeks, we decided to stay here for a very long time. He loves what he does at Youth Town, values the ministry there, and wants to retire having devoted his entire career to one organization. The reality of that decision took a little while to sink in, but honestly not as long as I expected. Instead, God has used it to begin to change some things in my heart and mind that have needed to be challenged for a long time.
One of the things I have found is that it truly is freeing to a wife when her husband stands up as the spiritual leader and says, "I believe this is where God has lead us and what is best for our family." Mark has the freedom to pursue his goals, even on the hard days, knowing that he is doing what God has called him to do, and without the pressure of me asking him to do something different. That's not an easy change for me to make, but it's easier when I see the weight of trying to balance his desires and what he feels is right with the impossible task of making me happy all the time lifted off of him. That's not a fair expectation, and he shouldn't have to carry it.
Another thing that is freeing is knowing that we are settled in one place. It may not be the place I would have chosen, but it is settled. That allows me the freedom to focus on things without always having the thought in the back of my mind that I may not be able to follow through with commitments or relationships. The trip to Albania is a perfect example of that. I can put 100% into that trip knowing that I really am going to get to go.
The biggest challenge to my thinking has come in the area of relationships. I have always desired to have real, intimate relationships, and at times have been blessed with that. The barriers to those relationships that God has revealed to me in the past couple of weeks have convicted me to the core. I know this is getting long, but bear with me.
The first barrier has been something I have carried my whole life. I have never believed that people could like me. I was miserable growing up because I never felt like I had any real friends. Those feelings have followed me into adulthood. When you spend your life expecting people to not like you, you put up walls of defense around your heart so you don't get your hopes up or get too surprised when they don't.
The second barrier is that I have allowed the treatment and opinions of many people to affect the way I look at everybody. If I am rejected by those who are "from here", than everyone who lives here must surely feel the same way. Again, assumptions that turn into walls.
The third barrier is that I wanted so badly to leave here that I focused on getting us out rather than on making things work here. Why put time & effort into relationships when you plan on leaving them all behind anyway. Then, when you don't put the time and effort in, and the relationships don't happen, it only feeds into the assumptions that nobody likes you and you'll never fit in. Are you starting to see the cycle? I am.
Nobody likes to admit when they're wrong, but I have had to in some pretty big ways. And you know what? It feels good. It feels like a fresh start. It scares me to death. It's a commitment to changing things in my heart and life and attitude and actions that may not be received or reciprocated by those around me. But this isn't about what people think or how they respond. It's about negative, sinful attitudes that I have held onto for too long. Attitudes that keep me from loving others keep me from being right with the Lord, and that is unacceptable to me.
For those of you that have held with me through this long post, thanks for listening. And I welcome the accountability that will be needed as I begin to change outwardly the things that God is changing inwardly. After all, I am still under construction...
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3 comments:
I completely understand the not fitting in thing. It seems "yankees" are never accepted in the South. In fact, I never heard the term "yankee" (outside of the NY Yankees) before I moved here. I was astounded to find what I thought was a VERY outdated term still used down here as an everyday thing. (Then I was astounded at how MANY outdated things/attitudes are still around here!) At first I was welcomed here, but that quickly changed and made me very bitter toward the South. I wanted out, questioned if I was right about God wanting me here, and struggled for YEARS. I still say "I will NOT die here!", but I have learned that I might be the only one saying that, God may be saying something totally different about that and His Voice is bigger.
I think I have finally come to the point where I am accepting where I am, God has provided me special friends (ironically, they are transplanted "yankees", LOL!) and actually, I think just this year in fact, I've started not hating the South. It does seem easier to embrace it than to fight against it.
I think you are blessed to have a husband who stands up and says "this is God's plan for us". He's obviously not wimpy, and too many men these days are! Praise God you chose well!
I've really never been one to fit in. At times it can be a drag, but mostly I like it. I just plug myself in where I want to. I don't have many friends, close friends I mean, but I like that too. I want to put my all into relationships and still have "me space", too many people around this introvert and I can get crabby! LOL
I've come to the point where I am fairly settled here. I bought (rather, am buying - have a few more decades of mortgage payments! LOL) a house, have a good steady job and hoping that continues, especially these days. Have a wonderful church family that I can't imagine leaving. The only thing calling back to Ohio are my parents as they age. Thankfully I have a sister up there near them, but as the oldest child, I feel some responsibility for that you know? God will work it all out.
This was a very telling post Ronda, and I can see the struggle you have been trying desperately to get through. You must really feel a sense of release! God is so good!
Oh, and here are some interesting thoughts about the Tribe of Those Who Don't Fit In: http://www.subversiveinfluence.com/wordpress/?p=1877
Thank you for your post. I am so glad God is working in you and "inspite" of you!. Yes, any place that isn't where you grew up is hard. Southerners who move north don't fit in, Okies who move to LA don't fit in. When I came from Aust I didn't fit, then from LA I didn't fit, then from GA didn't fit, then Seattle, didn't fit. Then I realized home is where you find it. So, I embraced our differences, and carried on. You do find kindred souls in the strangest places. In Memphis my closest friend was a black preachers daughter. She taught me all about the racial predijuce of the south and was soooo patient with my stupid questions.
I for one am SOOOOOOOO glad you are here. You are my Albanian friend! We share a special time for both of us, even tho while there we were apart. Albania holds a place in our heart, not many will ever understand. I have felt connected to you and ILOVE YOU!
I am looking forward to years of our friendship!
Thanks for sharing this in a post.I've heard you talk on some of this but never this detailed and organized.It really helps me to know how to pray for you :) I also am SOOOOOO glad you're here and for the long haul.I think you've blessed so many people and you're just not aware of it ! See you soon :)
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