This morning we had a precious time of testimony during the church service where people could share what they are thankful the Lord has been doing in their lives. I was truly blessed to hear how many of those comments centered around the work that He has done through the people of Northbrook. I have never been part of a church family that so faithfully, lovingly and genuinely lives out their faith in the context of relationship and community. Nothing could be a better witness than when His people live out His Word in a real way, and we get to watch that happening every day.
What saddens me is the people who are introduced to a community like that and leave because of what it requires. True community requires honesty, vulnerability, a laying aside of yourself, a willingness to be held accountable to Biblical standards (even when it's hard), as well as a heart that is open to being confronted with our sin and the changes necessary to be freed from that. We think there is freedom in the ability to choose to do whatever we want, but choosing to do things that contradict what we know is right leaves us in bondage to guilt, shame, anger, broken relationships and other painful consequences of sin. True community hurts for those who are in bondage and helps free them to be who Christ desires and enables us to be. My prayer is that those who claim the name of Christ will be willing to put themselves in community with other believers and reap the benefits that come from struggling through our messes together. Nothing may be harder than true community, but nothing is more worth it, either.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Under Construction
There have been many times in my life where the Lord has convicted me of something that needs to be changed or surprised me with a situation I wasn't ready for or allowed me to go through a difficult time in order to learn and grow. In all of that, I have never experience the depth of change, conviction or emotions that I've experienced over the past few weeks.
Those of you who know me know that I would give just about anything to get out of, and far away from, the south forever. This is a place and a culture of people that reminds me constantly in a hundred different ways that I don't fit and never will. As Mark and I have talked through some things over the past couple of weeks, we decided to stay here for a very long time. He loves what he does at Youth Town, values the ministry there, and wants to retire having devoted his entire career to one organization. The reality of that decision took a little while to sink in, but honestly not as long as I expected. Instead, God has used it to begin to change some things in my heart and mind that have needed to be challenged for a long time.
One of the things I have found is that it truly is freeing to a wife when her husband stands up as the spiritual leader and says, "I believe this is where God has lead us and what is best for our family." Mark has the freedom to pursue his goals, even on the hard days, knowing that he is doing what God has called him to do, and without the pressure of me asking him to do something different. That's not an easy change for me to make, but it's easier when I see the weight of trying to balance his desires and what he feels is right with the impossible task of making me happy all the time lifted off of him. That's not a fair expectation, and he shouldn't have to carry it.
Another thing that is freeing is knowing that we are settled in one place. It may not be the place I would have chosen, but it is settled. That allows me the freedom to focus on things without always having the thought in the back of my mind that I may not be able to follow through with commitments or relationships. The trip to Albania is a perfect example of that. I can put 100% into that trip knowing that I really am going to get to go.
The biggest challenge to my thinking has come in the area of relationships. I have always desired to have real, intimate relationships, and at times have been blessed with that. The barriers to those relationships that God has revealed to me in the past couple of weeks have convicted me to the core. I know this is getting long, but bear with me.
The first barrier has been something I have carried my whole life. I have never believed that people could like me. I was miserable growing up because I never felt like I had any real friends. Those feelings have followed me into adulthood. When you spend your life expecting people to not like you, you put up walls of defense around your heart so you don't get your hopes up or get too surprised when they don't.
The second barrier is that I have allowed the treatment and opinions of many people to affect the way I look at everybody. If I am rejected by those who are "from here", than everyone who lives here must surely feel the same way. Again, assumptions that turn into walls.
The third barrier is that I wanted so badly to leave here that I focused on getting us out rather than on making things work here. Why put time & effort into relationships when you plan on leaving them all behind anyway. Then, when you don't put the time and effort in, and the relationships don't happen, it only feeds into the assumptions that nobody likes you and you'll never fit in. Are you starting to see the cycle? I am.
Nobody likes to admit when they're wrong, but I have had to in some pretty big ways. And you know what? It feels good. It feels like a fresh start. It scares me to death. It's a commitment to changing things in my heart and life and attitude and actions that may not be received or reciprocated by those around me. But this isn't about what people think or how they respond. It's about negative, sinful attitudes that I have held onto for too long. Attitudes that keep me from loving others keep me from being right with the Lord, and that is unacceptable to me.
For those of you that have held with me through this long post, thanks for listening. And I welcome the accountability that will be needed as I begin to change outwardly the things that God is changing inwardly. After all, I am still under construction...
Those of you who know me know that I would give just about anything to get out of, and far away from, the south forever. This is a place and a culture of people that reminds me constantly in a hundred different ways that I don't fit and never will. As Mark and I have talked through some things over the past couple of weeks, we decided to stay here for a very long time. He loves what he does at Youth Town, values the ministry there, and wants to retire having devoted his entire career to one organization. The reality of that decision took a little while to sink in, but honestly not as long as I expected. Instead, God has used it to begin to change some things in my heart and mind that have needed to be challenged for a long time.
One of the things I have found is that it truly is freeing to a wife when her husband stands up as the spiritual leader and says, "I believe this is where God has lead us and what is best for our family." Mark has the freedom to pursue his goals, even on the hard days, knowing that he is doing what God has called him to do, and without the pressure of me asking him to do something different. That's not an easy change for me to make, but it's easier when I see the weight of trying to balance his desires and what he feels is right with the impossible task of making me happy all the time lifted off of him. That's not a fair expectation, and he shouldn't have to carry it.
Another thing that is freeing is knowing that we are settled in one place. It may not be the place I would have chosen, but it is settled. That allows me the freedom to focus on things without always having the thought in the back of my mind that I may not be able to follow through with commitments or relationships. The trip to Albania is a perfect example of that. I can put 100% into that trip knowing that I really am going to get to go.
The biggest challenge to my thinking has come in the area of relationships. I have always desired to have real, intimate relationships, and at times have been blessed with that. The barriers to those relationships that God has revealed to me in the past couple of weeks have convicted me to the core. I know this is getting long, but bear with me.
The first barrier has been something I have carried my whole life. I have never believed that people could like me. I was miserable growing up because I never felt like I had any real friends. Those feelings have followed me into adulthood. When you spend your life expecting people to not like you, you put up walls of defense around your heart so you don't get your hopes up or get too surprised when they don't.
The second barrier is that I have allowed the treatment and opinions of many people to affect the way I look at everybody. If I am rejected by those who are "from here", than everyone who lives here must surely feel the same way. Again, assumptions that turn into walls.
The third barrier is that I wanted so badly to leave here that I focused on getting us out rather than on making things work here. Why put time & effort into relationships when you plan on leaving them all behind anyway. Then, when you don't put the time and effort in, and the relationships don't happen, it only feeds into the assumptions that nobody likes you and you'll never fit in. Are you starting to see the cycle? I am.
Nobody likes to admit when they're wrong, but I have had to in some pretty big ways. And you know what? It feels good. It feels like a fresh start. It scares me to death. It's a commitment to changing things in my heart and life and attitude and actions that may not be received or reciprocated by those around me. But this isn't about what people think or how they respond. It's about negative, sinful attitudes that I have held onto for too long. Attitudes that keep me from loving others keep me from being right with the Lord, and that is unacceptable to me.
For those of you that have held with me through this long post, thanks for listening. And I welcome the accountability that will be needed as I begin to change outwardly the things that God is changing inwardly. After all, I am still under construction...
Friday, November 7, 2008
Crazy Weekend
This weekend is a crazy one for us as we are headed in many different directions. Today was supposed to be a day of getting ready for it, but instead I had a really bad migraine. By the time I worked all day, got the oil changed in the van, took the kids for ice cream and went to Walmart, I had had about all I could take. Thankfully, I have a very understanding husband who took care of feeding the kids so I could hole up in a dark room for a while.
Tomorrow daddy & the boys are headed to Nathan Beford Forrest State Park for a hike with the RA's from church. Jadon is so excited he can hardly stand it. He has watched Mark & Ian go on the hikes and campouts for three years, and this is his first chance to go, too. It's fun to watch him as he starts to feel like one of the big boys.
Lynnea and I are heading to Tuscaloosa, AL with Mark's mom and Shari. We'll meet up with some of her teammates for dinner and swimming (not much swimming, coaches. Don't freak out!) Mark & the boys and his dad will join us late Saturday night. EARLY Sunday morning we'll head to Lynnea's meet. She had a rough meet last weekend, so she's hoping to do much better this time. At least she's determined instead of giving up after one not-so-good meet.
We're hoping to get back to town in time for SaLT group Sunday night, although you never know how long meets & awards are gonna go. This will be the third week in a row we've missed church & SaLT, and I really hate that. It makes the disconnected feeling even worse. Next weekend we'll be in Jackson, though, so our Sunday schedule should be normal. I'm glad for that.
Anyway, I know this blog is pointless, but that's what my thoughts are like in the aftermath of a migraine. Let's just hope it stays gone. I'm out of Maxalt.
Tomorrow daddy & the boys are headed to Nathan Beford Forrest State Park for a hike with the RA's from church. Jadon is so excited he can hardly stand it. He has watched Mark & Ian go on the hikes and campouts for three years, and this is his first chance to go, too. It's fun to watch him as he starts to feel like one of the big boys.
Lynnea and I are heading to Tuscaloosa, AL with Mark's mom and Shari. We'll meet up with some of her teammates for dinner and swimming (not much swimming, coaches. Don't freak out!) Mark & the boys and his dad will join us late Saturday night. EARLY Sunday morning we'll head to Lynnea's meet. She had a rough meet last weekend, so she's hoping to do much better this time. At least she's determined instead of giving up after one not-so-good meet.
We're hoping to get back to town in time for SaLT group Sunday night, although you never know how long meets & awards are gonna go. This will be the third week in a row we've missed church & SaLT, and I really hate that. It makes the disconnected feeling even worse. Next weekend we'll be in Jackson, though, so our Sunday schedule should be normal. I'm glad for that.
Anyway, I know this blog is pointless, but that's what my thoughts are like in the aftermath of a migraine. Let's just hope it stays gone. I'm out of Maxalt.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Final Thoughts
As I sit here and listen to John McCain give his concession speech, I feel the need to put down some last thoughts before we put this election behind us. I don't think I am alone in saying I am disappointed but not surprised at the result. As I have prayed through these past few weeks, the passage in 1 Samuel 8 has repeatedly come to my mind. Israel demanded a king, and the Lord assured Samuel that it was not him that the people were rejecting, but the Lord. He warned the people through Samuel of the terrible things this new king would bring upon them, but the people insisted. The Lord said, "Listen to them and give them a king."
Americans have been in the process of rejecting God and removing Him from our institutions, schools, marriages, families and especially our government for years. Yes, God is fully in control. But sometimes He chooses to give us what we ask for and allow us to suffer the consequences for our choices. I believe He has allowed us to have our "king" in the results of this election tonight.
It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think of the road we are about to travel down over the next few years. Many of us may have made a different choice, but as Americans, we suffer the consequences alongside those who made this choice. I wonder, though, how many of those who cast their vote for Obama today, and are celebrating his victory tonight, will stand up for that choice and share in the responsibility of the consequences of his leadership.
Although I disagreed with Bill Clinton ideologically, I could submit to his leadership as the president of my country. That does not seem possible this time. There is much more than an ideological issue with Obama-a deeper spiritual and patriotic issue that goes to the core of who I am and what and Who I believe in. And while I don't believe Obama was rejected for his race by those who opposed him this time, it saddens me that his decisions and leadership as our president will end up hurting race relations in this country and the opportunities for minorities to follow in his footsteps. I go to bed tonight with a heavy heart and a sense of fear and dread for what we as Americans have chosen tonight.
Americans have been in the process of rejecting God and removing Him from our institutions, schools, marriages, families and especially our government for years. Yes, God is fully in control. But sometimes He chooses to give us what we ask for and allow us to suffer the consequences for our choices. I believe He has allowed us to have our "king" in the results of this election tonight.
It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think of the road we are about to travel down over the next few years. Many of us may have made a different choice, but as Americans, we suffer the consequences alongside those who made this choice. I wonder, though, how many of those who cast their vote for Obama today, and are celebrating his victory tonight, will stand up for that choice and share in the responsibility of the consequences of his leadership.
Although I disagreed with Bill Clinton ideologically, I could submit to his leadership as the president of my country. That does not seem possible this time. There is much more than an ideological issue with Obama-a deeper spiritual and patriotic issue that goes to the core of who I am and what and Who I believe in. And while I don't believe Obama was rejected for his race by those who opposed him this time, it saddens me that his decisions and leadership as our president will end up hurting race relations in this country and the opportunities for minorities to follow in his footsteps. I go to bed tonight with a heavy heart and a sense of fear and dread for what we as Americans have chosen tonight.
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