I usually think about things until I have them figured out and then post the questions with my conclusion(s). But there is something that is on my mind all the time, and I have no conclusions. So, I decided to throw out the thoughts and see if any of you have anything to add and/or a solution to the problem: The Square Peg, Round Hole Dilemma. I feel like this most of the time, and, after talking to others, realize that I am not nearly the only one who does.
I have spent time in a lot of places, and have enjoyed almost all of them for different reasons. Out of all those places, though, there are only two that felt like "home". You know. The place where you are totally free to be yourself, no inhibitions, completely comfortable. The weird thing is, I have never actually LIVED in either of these places. They have never been my real home. I shared that with a friend one time who asked why I felt more comfortable in these places. I told him that I felt more like me when I was there. That offended him, because he wanted to know why I wasn't being me here. It is so hard to explain that I am not faking anything or pretending to be someone I am not. Who I am all the time is really part of me. Nothing fake. It's just not ALL of me.
And then, like those places, there are certain people who feel like "home". These are the people, whether you have known them a lifetime or just a little while, who make you feel safe enough to be totally who you are. I have a couple of these people, with whom I feel like I could say anything, do anything, feel anything, and everything would be ok.
The real magic happens when you put those people and places together, and all of your walls come down. That is when your heart soars. You feel totally, completely free. You smile and laugh with everything in you. You cry honest, deep, intimate tears. You feel safer than you have ever felt, and you know what it means to be fully alive. The hole is no longer round, but square, and you fit perfectly.
So what is it that makes the difference? Why don't we feel free wherever we are? Why do we have such a hard time letting all of us come out when we are with people we know love and care about us? What holds us back? What exactly is it that sets us free? And the Jesus answer doesn't count this time, because He is just as much a part of all of our places and relationships-limited and free. So, what do you think?
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Gift of Grace
I learn so many things from my kids. This week, Jadon has taught me about grace. His school has a card system for behavior. They start out on purple. The idea is to stay there all day by having good behavior. Ian & Lynnea never had a problem with this. Jadon is another story. Many days he comes home on green, having had to pull just one card, and almost always for talking. This is the child who thinks that if something comes into his mind, it must come out of his mouth immediately, regardless of what else is going on.
The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough for him. Two days he's had to pull two cards, and one day he had to pull three. That was a bad day. A really bad day. He got in the car in tears and handed me the note from his teacher, which included a list of his transgressions for the day. Talking I can deal with, but bad behavior is a totally different story. He curled up in his seat and said, through lots of tears, "I really didn't like today at all, Mommy." From the front seat I held up the list facing him and said, "Is there anything on this list that is anyone else's fault but yours?" He said no. So I said, pretty sarcastically I have to admit, "Well, if you want to have a better day, make better choices!" I was a bit too angry to punish him this time, so we waited til Daddy came home. He has a bit more of a level head than me.
The next morning about 6 AM, Jadon crawled into bed with me. He wrapped those little arms around my neck and whispered, "I love you, Mommy" just before he fell back asleep. I cuddled him close and prayed for him, all traces of anger and frustration gone. I couldn't help but be reminded of how God deals with us in our sin. Our sin breaks His heart, and He allows us to suffer the consequences for it. But He also freely forgives, extends grace, and restores us to walk with Him again. And He does it over and over. I am so grateful for a Daddy whose lap is always open when I need to cry, ask forgiveness and be restored in grace. And I am grateful for the children He has given to remind me of His character.
The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough for him. Two days he's had to pull two cards, and one day he had to pull three. That was a bad day. A really bad day. He got in the car in tears and handed me the note from his teacher, which included a list of his transgressions for the day. Talking I can deal with, but bad behavior is a totally different story. He curled up in his seat and said, through lots of tears, "I really didn't like today at all, Mommy." From the front seat I held up the list facing him and said, "Is there anything on this list that is anyone else's fault but yours?" He said no. So I said, pretty sarcastically I have to admit, "Well, if you want to have a better day, make better choices!" I was a bit too angry to punish him this time, so we waited til Daddy came home. He has a bit more of a level head than me.
The next morning about 6 AM, Jadon crawled into bed with me. He wrapped those little arms around my neck and whispered, "I love you, Mommy" just before he fell back asleep. I cuddled him close and prayed for him, all traces of anger and frustration gone. I couldn't help but be reminded of how God deals with us in our sin. Our sin breaks His heart, and He allows us to suffer the consequences for it. But He also freely forgives, extends grace, and restores us to walk with Him again. And He does it over and over. I am so grateful for a Daddy whose lap is always open when I need to cry, ask forgiveness and be restored in grace. And I am grateful for the children He has given to remind me of His character.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Wisdom and Words
This is a devotion I got this morning from Christine Wyrtzen at Daughters of Promise. I wanted to share it, because it is so relevant to things I know many of you are thinking about right now.
ONE WHO FIGHTS; ONE WHO FLEES
And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth, for my hope is in your rules. Psalm 119:43
The Psalmist fears that when any given situation arises, the wisdom of the kingdom, born of the Word and the Spirit, will be absent from his tongue. The word of heaven is one of precision and strategy; a word that is characterized by either a gentle rain for a parched situation or a bolt of lightening that strikes in a firestorm. It is clarifying, it is corrective, it is healing, and it always causes the kingdom to intersect with the world.
Just because one is talkative and witty doesn't mean that God's Word is on their tongue. Just because one is on the quiet side and speaks thoughtfully doesn't mean their speech is heaven sent either. Both are derived from the bent of the natural man.
Take two children, put them in the same home, and when adults fail them, both children can respond differently. One is perceptive enough to realize that the failure is outside of himself. He turns into a fighter. Words will be plentiful and will become his sword. He will spend a lifetime trying to right injustice and set the world right. He argues well and is used to winning verbal skirmishes. The other child internalizes the pain and believes the problem is within himself. He was failed by the adults because he deserved it somehow. This child loses words and turns the sword on himself. He grows up to withhold his insights. People, even family, fail to know what he really thinks because, though he has many thoughts and observations, he rarely speaks them.
Only God can heal the angry adult child. Only God can heal the self-condemning, fearful adult child. Without God's intervention, the first adult will continue to have words, but they will be words born of his anger. And, without God's intervention, the second adult will keep his mouth shut when words are necessary.
To have God's words on my tongue - words of strategic kingdom importance - I must abandon all personal agendas whether I am one with a need for personal justice or I am the one with a need for validation. I must abdicate my right to fight or to be silent. My mouth is God's mouth - ready to speak HIS word, HIS wisdom, on HIS timetable.
So, what makes a spokesman and an ambassador of heaven? One who has been taken to the wilderness at some point in his life to understand how he has learned to adapt to the pain in his life. God gives him the self-awareness to know if he is one who fights or one who flees. Either way, healing is needed. Either way, words must be re-born of the Spirit.
How am I to use my mouth today? When I would normally speak, is God asking me to be silent instead? When I would normally retreat in fear of speaking, is God asking me to open my mouth? The life of the true disciple is to weigh such matters, search the heart of God, and yield every member of his body, including his tongue, to the yoke of Jesus.
As one who loses words, I ask You to fill my mouth with Yours. Amen
ONE WHO FIGHTS; ONE WHO FLEES
And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth, for my hope is in your rules. Psalm 119:43
The Psalmist fears that when any given situation arises, the wisdom of the kingdom, born of the Word and the Spirit, will be absent from his tongue. The word of heaven is one of precision and strategy; a word that is characterized by either a gentle rain for a parched situation or a bolt of lightening that strikes in a firestorm. It is clarifying, it is corrective, it is healing, and it always causes the kingdom to intersect with the world.
Just because one is talkative and witty doesn't mean that God's Word is on their tongue. Just because one is on the quiet side and speaks thoughtfully doesn't mean their speech is heaven sent either. Both are derived from the bent of the natural man.
Take two children, put them in the same home, and when adults fail them, both children can respond differently. One is perceptive enough to realize that the failure is outside of himself. He turns into a fighter. Words will be plentiful and will become his sword. He will spend a lifetime trying to right injustice and set the world right. He argues well and is used to winning verbal skirmishes. The other child internalizes the pain and believes the problem is within himself. He was failed by the adults because he deserved it somehow. This child loses words and turns the sword on himself. He grows up to withhold his insights. People, even family, fail to know what he really thinks because, though he has many thoughts and observations, he rarely speaks them.
Only God can heal the angry adult child. Only God can heal the self-condemning, fearful adult child. Without God's intervention, the first adult will continue to have words, but they will be words born of his anger. And, without God's intervention, the second adult will keep his mouth shut when words are necessary.
To have God's words on my tongue - words of strategic kingdom importance - I must abandon all personal agendas whether I am one with a need for personal justice or I am the one with a need for validation. I must abdicate my right to fight or to be silent. My mouth is God's mouth - ready to speak HIS word, HIS wisdom, on HIS timetable.
So, what makes a spokesman and an ambassador of heaven? One who has been taken to the wilderness at some point in his life to understand how he has learned to adapt to the pain in his life. God gives him the self-awareness to know if he is one who fights or one who flees. Either way, healing is needed. Either way, words must be re-born of the Spirit.
How am I to use my mouth today? When I would normally speak, is God asking me to be silent instead? When I would normally retreat in fear of speaking, is God asking me to open my mouth? The life of the true disciple is to weigh such matters, search the heart of God, and yield every member of his body, including his tongue, to the yoke of Jesus.
As one who loses words, I ask You to fill my mouth with Yours. Amen
Monday, October 26, 2009
Itching Ears
Today was quite the day. In fact, as I sit here and replay it in my mind, it was more like 4 different days rather than just one. Looking back, though, the theme of sin, accountability, grace & truth permeated all of it. In just this one day I have experienced all of those things, and seen them rejected as well.
Tonight at our ladies Bible study we were discussing obedience and disobedience. Obedience to God and His word brings freedom, blessing, grace, love, opportunity, warning, health and many other things. Those are the good things God wants to give us and lavishly bestows when we obey His commands. Yet still we disobey so often. We think we have a better plan, or maybe just want to compromise with God. Sometimes, like a little child we stomp our foot and demand our own way. And sometimes we just don't want to. It's too hard, requires too much, or asks us to give up what we hold on to so tightly, even if that very thing is sucking the life out of us.
Part of our responsibility as Christians is to hold each other accountable to obedience, to help each other out when we fall, and to restore relationships with God and other people. Yet, in our disobedience, even those of us who are supposed to know better reject this gift of help and grace & truth from the people around us.
2 Timothy 4:1-5 says, "In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry."
This is talking about people who have heard and believed sound doctrine, but are no longer willing to listen to or obey it as truth. They surround themselves with people who will support and reinforce what they WANT to be truth rather than what actually IS truth. And lest we think we are immune from this temptation, remember: Paul had to tell Timothy, "BUT YOU, keep your head in all situations..."
The only way to recognize the false is to study and know the truth. Even the government and banks know this. They don't train employees to recognize counterfeit bills by showing them counterfeit bills. They make them study real money so much that they can spot a counterfeit a mile away. Protect yourself. Study God's Word. Surround yourself with people who love Him, love you, and will help steer you back on track when you wander off.
Tonight we talked about two cycles. The cycle of disobedience is this: we disobey, our hearts begin to harden, and we no longer want to obey. The cycle of obedience is the opposite: We obey, we reap the blessing of being closer to God & knowing Him better, we love Him more, and then we want to obey. Examine your life honestly. Which cycle are you rolling around in, and is that really where you want to be?
Tonight at our ladies Bible study we were discussing obedience and disobedience. Obedience to God and His word brings freedom, blessing, grace, love, opportunity, warning, health and many other things. Those are the good things God wants to give us and lavishly bestows when we obey His commands. Yet still we disobey so often. We think we have a better plan, or maybe just want to compromise with God. Sometimes, like a little child we stomp our foot and demand our own way. And sometimes we just don't want to. It's too hard, requires too much, or asks us to give up what we hold on to so tightly, even if that very thing is sucking the life out of us.
Part of our responsibility as Christians is to hold each other accountable to obedience, to help each other out when we fall, and to restore relationships with God and other people. Yet, in our disobedience, even those of us who are supposed to know better reject this gift of help and grace & truth from the people around us.
2 Timothy 4:1-5 says, "In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry."
This is talking about people who have heard and believed sound doctrine, but are no longer willing to listen to or obey it as truth. They surround themselves with people who will support and reinforce what they WANT to be truth rather than what actually IS truth. And lest we think we are immune from this temptation, remember: Paul had to tell Timothy, "BUT YOU, keep your head in all situations..."
The only way to recognize the false is to study and know the truth. Even the government and banks know this. They don't train employees to recognize counterfeit bills by showing them counterfeit bills. They make them study real money so much that they can spot a counterfeit a mile away. Protect yourself. Study God's Word. Surround yourself with people who love Him, love you, and will help steer you back on track when you wander off.
Tonight we talked about two cycles. The cycle of disobedience is this: we disobey, our hearts begin to harden, and we no longer want to obey. The cycle of obedience is the opposite: We obey, we reap the blessing of being closer to God & knowing Him better, we love Him more, and then we want to obey. Examine your life honestly. Which cycle are you rolling around in, and is that really where you want to be?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Women of Faith
So I was trying to think of something to blog about since I have, once again, been very lax. I had a request for a Women of Faith update (why didn't I think of that?), so here goes. Last weekend I was blessed to be able to fly home to attend the conference with my best friend from college and one of her good friends, who now lives in Kansas City. This was not one of those real emotional, conference high kinds of weekends. But that in and of itself was pretty cool for me. I will explain as I share some of the highlights.
Sandi Patty said "venting can make you feel better, but venting is not the same as healing." How often do we think that just spouting off everything that enters our mind is actually helpful. It's not. All that does is clear off the top so that we can fill it up with more stuff until the next time we blow. We have to deal with the root of our hurt before we can ever hope to stop spewing our stuff all over everybody. Those are my thoughts on her statement, but you get the point.
Marilyn Meberg said a lot, but the one thing that touched my heart most from the whole weekend was when she said, "Nobody can tell you how long it's appropriate to grieve anything." I could have left at that point having heard all I needed to hear. I have been criticized by well meaning friends and told to stop thinking about and hurting over a particular loss in my life-as if not talking about it would simply make it go away. Only God knows how deep our grief over anything goes, and He is patient enough to walk with us through the entire grieving process.
And here's a funny from Patsy Clairmont (I can only hope I'm as cute as her when I grow up!)- "I knew I was directionally gifted, but I never knew I was bossy!" :o)
Weirdly, my favorite speaker this time was Rick Stearns, CEO of World Vision. I expected his talk to be all about trying to get us to sponsor a child. Instead, he challenged us to really look at the things we pretend not to be aware of and see how God may want to use us. His two main points were 1) God expects one thing from us: everything! and 2) When you are asked the question, "Are you willing to be open to God's will for your life?" What that really means is: Are you willing to give up your job, career, salary? Are you willing to leave your home, family & friends? Are you willing to enter the pain & suffering for Jesus' sake? Those are not easy questions, but ones we must ask and answer if we are to fulfill all that the Lord has for us.
Sheila Walsh said, "Forgiveness is God's gift to us to live in a world that isn't fair." We can never understand why people do what they do, why bad things are allowed to happen, why good things are allowed to happen to those we see as bad, etc. But when we allow God to forgive through us, we are freed from needing the answers to those questions. We can live freely in His love, and the peace that passes understanding. It truly is a gift.
Lisa Whelchel also said something that was very pertinent to where I have been the last 12 years. She said that, when God spoke to her about the protective walls she had erected as a child star alone in Hollywood, He said, "I'm not mad at you for building those walls. But it's safe to come out now."
All of those things, as well as the other speakers and the music, were really cool for me to experience. The greatest thing for me, though, was not what happened at the conference, but what the Lord revealed in my spirit that He had already done in me. During Sheila Walsh's beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace, He said to me, "Relax. Enjoy. We have done a lot of work, and it is ok to rest in being on the other side." I know there is a lot more work to be done in my heart and life, but the fact that God has done so much and brought me so far, and that He wants me to enjoy that, was wonderful for my heart and spirit.
Another thing He did for me on this trip was to introduce me to a wonderful brother and sister in Him. He showed me in a very real way how His Spirit knits us together as His family, whether our paths cross for a moment or a lifetime. That connection is a perfect encouragement and bond that cannot be broken. I will always remember these two new friends who touched my life at just the right time.
Sandi Patty said "venting can make you feel better, but venting is not the same as healing." How often do we think that just spouting off everything that enters our mind is actually helpful. It's not. All that does is clear off the top so that we can fill it up with more stuff until the next time we blow. We have to deal with the root of our hurt before we can ever hope to stop spewing our stuff all over everybody. Those are my thoughts on her statement, but you get the point.
Marilyn Meberg said a lot, but the one thing that touched my heart most from the whole weekend was when she said, "Nobody can tell you how long it's appropriate to grieve anything." I could have left at that point having heard all I needed to hear. I have been criticized by well meaning friends and told to stop thinking about and hurting over a particular loss in my life-as if not talking about it would simply make it go away. Only God knows how deep our grief over anything goes, and He is patient enough to walk with us through the entire grieving process.
And here's a funny from Patsy Clairmont (I can only hope I'm as cute as her when I grow up!)- "I knew I was directionally gifted, but I never knew I was bossy!" :o)
Weirdly, my favorite speaker this time was Rick Stearns, CEO of World Vision. I expected his talk to be all about trying to get us to sponsor a child. Instead, he challenged us to really look at the things we pretend not to be aware of and see how God may want to use us. His two main points were 1) God expects one thing from us: everything! and 2) When you are asked the question, "Are you willing to be open to God's will for your life?" What that really means is: Are you willing to give up your job, career, salary? Are you willing to leave your home, family & friends? Are you willing to enter the pain & suffering for Jesus' sake? Those are not easy questions, but ones we must ask and answer if we are to fulfill all that the Lord has for us.
Sheila Walsh said, "Forgiveness is God's gift to us to live in a world that isn't fair." We can never understand why people do what they do, why bad things are allowed to happen, why good things are allowed to happen to those we see as bad, etc. But when we allow God to forgive through us, we are freed from needing the answers to those questions. We can live freely in His love, and the peace that passes understanding. It truly is a gift.
Lisa Whelchel also said something that was very pertinent to where I have been the last 12 years. She said that, when God spoke to her about the protective walls she had erected as a child star alone in Hollywood, He said, "I'm not mad at you for building those walls. But it's safe to come out now."
All of those things, as well as the other speakers and the music, were really cool for me to experience. The greatest thing for me, though, was not what happened at the conference, but what the Lord revealed in my spirit that He had already done in me. During Sheila Walsh's beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace, He said to me, "Relax. Enjoy. We have done a lot of work, and it is ok to rest in being on the other side." I know there is a lot more work to be done in my heart and life, but the fact that God has done so much and brought me so far, and that He wants me to enjoy that, was wonderful for my heart and spirit.
Another thing He did for me on this trip was to introduce me to a wonderful brother and sister in Him. He showed me in a very real way how His Spirit knits us together as His family, whether our paths cross for a moment or a lifetime. That connection is a perfect encouragement and bond that cannot be broken. I will always remember these two new friends who touched my life at just the right time.
Monday, September 7, 2009
A Vacation Suggestion for Families
Thought I'd post a quick plug for a great vacation spot for families. This weekend we went to Santa Claus, Indiana to celebrate Jadon's birthday at Holiday World and Splashin' Safari Waterpark. We have been wanting to take the kids to an amusement park, but they're still so short that they can't ride most of the rides at the major parks like Six Flags. A few families we know had gone to Holiday World a couple of years ago and had a great time. We looked it up online and thought it looked like a lot of fun.
Many of the rides have similar height requirements as the bigger parks, but this one has lower ones if they ride with an adult. Since we wouldn't let them go without an adult anyway, that worked great for us. Ian & Lynnea could ride everything, and Jadon & his friend, Ethan, were able to ride all but the roller coasters and one or two other rides. They could all ride all of the water rides. Most of the water rides have large rafts for 4 or 5 people, so that makes the slides more fun, too.
Some of the perks at Holiday World that you don't find at other parks include: free drinks (Pepsi products, gatorade, lemonade, etc.) all day long, a family-friendly atmosphere, very nice staff, free lifejacket use, and food prices that are similar to a McD's rather than jacked up prices found at most tourist places.
The one thing that we will do next time is plan a two day trip rather than one-a dry day and a wet day. There is way too much to do in one day, so we did miss some of the rides and didn't get to see the shows. It did help us that there were scattered thunderstorms all day, so the park wasn't busy and the lines were short. Longer lines would have made us miss out on even more of the rides.
If you are looking for a fun, safe, family-friendly vacation for your family, I would highly recommend trying it out. It's in southern Indiana, which is pretty centrally located for those east of the Mississippi.
Many of the rides have similar height requirements as the bigger parks, but this one has lower ones if they ride with an adult. Since we wouldn't let them go without an adult anyway, that worked great for us. Ian & Lynnea could ride everything, and Jadon & his friend, Ethan, were able to ride all but the roller coasters and one or two other rides. They could all ride all of the water rides. Most of the water rides have large rafts for 4 or 5 people, so that makes the slides more fun, too.
Some of the perks at Holiday World that you don't find at other parks include: free drinks (Pepsi products, gatorade, lemonade, etc.) all day long, a family-friendly atmosphere, very nice staff, free lifejacket use, and food prices that are similar to a McD's rather than jacked up prices found at most tourist places.
The one thing that we will do next time is plan a two day trip rather than one-a dry day and a wet day. There is way too much to do in one day, so we did miss some of the rides and didn't get to see the shows. It did help us that there were scattered thunderstorms all day, so the park wasn't busy and the lines were short. Longer lines would have made us miss out on even more of the rides.
If you are looking for a fun, safe, family-friendly vacation for your family, I would highly recommend trying it out. It's in southern Indiana, which is pretty centrally located for those east of the Mississippi.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
In My Own Strength
If you know me at all, you know that I have the most wonderful family and church family anyone could ever ask for. I love them all very deeply, and the Lord has used them in many ways to heal my heart. Because of them, I have been able to not only accept our geographical location, but to also begin to embrace it and serve excitedly. Over the past month, though, I had some major setbacks in that area and could not understand why. Through a lot of prayer and soul-searching, I believe that I know what I did to cause that.
Things have gotten much better over the past year or so. When we went to Albania in July, I was excited to share my story about how the Lord has worked and who He has brought into my life. I wanted to tell of God's faithfulness to someone as undeserving as me. On our last day there, I had the opportunity to do just that.
In preparation for that time, though, I never considered needing God's strength to do it. I asked for His words and His wisdom, but never His strength. I could see only how well I had been doing and feeling, and did not take into consideration the old feelings my story would bring up. Because it was our last day, it came right before I had 24 hours on airplanes to sit and think.
Then, when I got back, I got into a car for over 36 hours to get the kids from Wisconsin, and followed that with a trip home for my grandma's funeral. All of the travel combined kept me away from Northbrook for 5 weeks. Therefore, I had time to dwell on the old feelings without ever being in a place to be reminded of where God has brought me and who He has put with me. I was weak, tired and thinking on the wrong things-the old things.
God says in 1 Peter 4:10-11, "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." (italics emphasis mine)
In all we do, we need to do it in His strength, so that in all of it, He may be praised. I forgot I needed His strength, and I suffered the setback because of it. I am thankful even more for the loving support of my family & church family, for the time to recover and be refreshed, and for a God who renews my strength when it is gone.
Things have gotten much better over the past year or so. When we went to Albania in July, I was excited to share my story about how the Lord has worked and who He has brought into my life. I wanted to tell of God's faithfulness to someone as undeserving as me. On our last day there, I had the opportunity to do just that.
In preparation for that time, though, I never considered needing God's strength to do it. I asked for His words and His wisdom, but never His strength. I could see only how well I had been doing and feeling, and did not take into consideration the old feelings my story would bring up. Because it was our last day, it came right before I had 24 hours on airplanes to sit and think.
Then, when I got back, I got into a car for over 36 hours to get the kids from Wisconsin, and followed that with a trip home for my grandma's funeral. All of the travel combined kept me away from Northbrook for 5 weeks. Therefore, I had time to dwell on the old feelings without ever being in a place to be reminded of where God has brought me and who He has put with me. I was weak, tired and thinking on the wrong things-the old things.
God says in 1 Peter 4:10-11, "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." (italics emphasis mine)
In all we do, we need to do it in His strength, so that in all of it, He may be praised. I forgot I needed His strength, and I suffered the setback because of it. I am thankful even more for the loving support of my family & church family, for the time to recover and be refreshed, and for a God who renews my strength when it is gone.
Monday, August 3, 2009
For Parents Who Hurt
I have always loved nature-lakes, rivers, mountains, wild animals. One of the things I have found as my kids grow is that, although I still love these things and enjoy the peace of being surrounded by them, these times also bring sad, uncomfortable feelings. This morning I woke up in a basement (really, people have nice basements you can sleep in) with a window overlooking a beautiful lake with the sun just peaking in. And I was absolutely overwhelmed with guilt-so much so that I almost couldn't get out of bed. The choices we have made to live where we do means that my children will rarely get to experience this kind of peace & beauty. They can't even ride their bikes around the neighborhood without fear of something bad happening to them. I worry that they will resent me for that, that they will grow up wishing they had experienced so much more.
Don't get me wrong. We do as much as we can to give them those kinds of experiences. We take them camping (although we haven't been able to do that since someone stole our trailer hitch from our front yard), go on vacation to small towns and pretty places, and bring them home to Minnesota & Wisconsin whenever we can. But the guilt and fear remains constant-even if sometimes in the back of my mind.
This morning as it overwhelmed me, though, that feeling like we are messing our kids up forever, the Lord gave me a passage that I have read many times. Joel 2:23-26 says, "Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for He has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. 'I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten-the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the swarm-my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.'"
I know many parents who feel the same way I do-some live in an unsafe, unloving place; others live in a nice place surrounded by family, but one of their kids is picked on and rejected; some are missionaries who believe firmly in their calling, yet one or more of their children don't fare well on the mission field; many just simply don't have the money or time to give their children even some of the simpler opportunities they wish they could. We all do the best we can as parents, yet there are always things we wish we could do better. We can hold on to the promise that God is our ultimate Father. He loves and cares for all of His children, our children, much better than we ever could. And He will redeem the years the locusts have eaten. The years where they, and we, could have had much more. (I don't mean material things here. Unless they are necessities, they are not important.)
We love and support our kids, raise them in the faith and knowledge of Jesus Christ, give them as many opportunities for growth and health as we possibly can, and trust God with the rest. He can take both what they have and don't have, what they have experienced (good and bad), to teach them and make something beautiful of their lives. Knowing that, I will try to let go of some of the guilt and shame of what I can't change or do and do the best I can with what I have. And I hope this encourages some of you to do the same.
Don't get me wrong. We do as much as we can to give them those kinds of experiences. We take them camping (although we haven't been able to do that since someone stole our trailer hitch from our front yard), go on vacation to small towns and pretty places, and bring them home to Minnesota & Wisconsin whenever we can. But the guilt and fear remains constant-even if sometimes in the back of my mind.
This morning as it overwhelmed me, though, that feeling like we are messing our kids up forever, the Lord gave me a passage that I have read many times. Joel 2:23-26 says, "Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for He has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. 'I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten-the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the swarm-my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.'"
I know many parents who feel the same way I do-some live in an unsafe, unloving place; others live in a nice place surrounded by family, but one of their kids is picked on and rejected; some are missionaries who believe firmly in their calling, yet one or more of their children don't fare well on the mission field; many just simply don't have the money or time to give their children even some of the simpler opportunities they wish they could. We all do the best we can as parents, yet there are always things we wish we could do better. We can hold on to the promise that God is our ultimate Father. He loves and cares for all of His children, our children, much better than we ever could. And He will redeem the years the locusts have eaten. The years where they, and we, could have had much more. (I don't mean material things here. Unless they are necessities, they are not important.)
We love and support our kids, raise them in the faith and knowledge of Jesus Christ, give them as many opportunities for growth and health as we possibly can, and trust God with the rest. He can take both what they have and don't have, what they have experienced (good and bad), to teach them and make something beautiful of their lives. Knowing that, I will try to let go of some of the guilt and shame of what I can't change or do and do the best I can with what I have. And I hope this encourages some of you to do the same.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Taking Time
I know I haven't yet posted my reflections on the Albania trip. That's partly because we have been very busy, and partly because I am still trying to be ok with being back here. This week I hope to have time to write some of my thoughts and feelings about the trip and our experiences. For today, though, I want to share about our yesterday.
One of the areas that the Lord has really been working in me is to be able to relax and just enjoy time with people. I have a tendency to either think about things that I should be doing instead of just sitting around talking, or I think about how much I don't belong in whatever group I am with and that maybe they would have more fun without me. Neither of those things is healthy. They both take away from my ability to enjoy people and their ability to really know me, which, like my pastor says, is robbing people of relationship.
For those of you who don't know what our month has been like, here's a quick recap: The weekend of the 4th of July, Mark & I took the kids to Wisconsin to spend three weeks with my parents. We drove the 36 hour round trip in 3 1/2 days. Four days later I left for 10 days in Albania. Three days after getting back from Albania, we left to drive back to Wisconsin to pick up the kids. We got there Friday night and had to leave Saturday morning to drive back to Tennessee.
My grandma has been ill, and I really wanted to see her on this trip. In order to do that, though, we added about 5 hours of drive time to an already long trip. We needed to leave my parent's house first thing in the morning to make that visit and drive a good part of the way back to Tennessee. My niece, who I haven't seen in years, invited us to breakfast on our way out of town. We left two hours later than my goal, but we had such a great time eating breakfast with her and meeting her fiancee.
We then drove over to Minnesota to see my grandma. On the way, we realized that our new route home would take us very close to our best friends from college. We also knew that stopping there would put us way behind schedule. We just couldn't be that close without at least calling them, though, so we did. They were so excited, and we made plans to eat dinner with them.
We got to grandma's about 2, and visited with her for an hour & a half. It was such a special time. The kids talked with her and spent some time playing outside. I shared my Albania pictures with her, and Mark took some pictures. It was worth every bit of driving out of our way just to have that time with her.
We left grandma's and drove down to the cities to see Kari & Greg. I love watching how easily our kids mix and play together, even though they hardly ever get to see each other. Mark & Greg headed out to the grill to hang out. We didn't have to worry about whether they would have anything to talk about like wives often do. When they left, Kari said, "Ok, you've been here at least 5 minutes. How's your marriage?" No small talk necessary. We could just jump into the important heart stuff, because no matter the distance, that connection is always there. We spent 3 hours at their house eating, talking and enjoying our kids together. I wouldn't trade that time for any number of miles behind us.
The funny thing is, we found a new way back to Tennessee from their house that is actually about 2 hours shorter than any way we've driven before. I sit in a hotel room in Iowa, 7 hours from Jackson, and realize that the time we spent with people yesterday was so much more important than anything else we could have done. And I am thankful for the lessons God teaches me in preparation for times like that.
One of the areas that the Lord has really been working in me is to be able to relax and just enjoy time with people. I have a tendency to either think about things that I should be doing instead of just sitting around talking, or I think about how much I don't belong in whatever group I am with and that maybe they would have more fun without me. Neither of those things is healthy. They both take away from my ability to enjoy people and their ability to really know me, which, like my pastor says, is robbing people of relationship.
For those of you who don't know what our month has been like, here's a quick recap: The weekend of the 4th of July, Mark & I took the kids to Wisconsin to spend three weeks with my parents. We drove the 36 hour round trip in 3 1/2 days. Four days later I left for 10 days in Albania. Three days after getting back from Albania, we left to drive back to Wisconsin to pick up the kids. We got there Friday night and had to leave Saturday morning to drive back to Tennessee.
My grandma has been ill, and I really wanted to see her on this trip. In order to do that, though, we added about 5 hours of drive time to an already long trip. We needed to leave my parent's house first thing in the morning to make that visit and drive a good part of the way back to Tennessee. My niece, who I haven't seen in years, invited us to breakfast on our way out of town. We left two hours later than my goal, but we had such a great time eating breakfast with her and meeting her fiancee.
We then drove over to Minnesota to see my grandma. On the way, we realized that our new route home would take us very close to our best friends from college. We also knew that stopping there would put us way behind schedule. We just couldn't be that close without at least calling them, though, so we did. They were so excited, and we made plans to eat dinner with them.
We got to grandma's about 2, and visited with her for an hour & a half. It was such a special time. The kids talked with her and spent some time playing outside. I shared my Albania pictures with her, and Mark took some pictures. It was worth every bit of driving out of our way just to have that time with her.
We left grandma's and drove down to the cities to see Kari & Greg. I love watching how easily our kids mix and play together, even though they hardly ever get to see each other. Mark & Greg headed out to the grill to hang out. We didn't have to worry about whether they would have anything to talk about like wives often do. When they left, Kari said, "Ok, you've been here at least 5 minutes. How's your marriage?" No small talk necessary. We could just jump into the important heart stuff, because no matter the distance, that connection is always there. We spent 3 hours at their house eating, talking and enjoying our kids together. I wouldn't trade that time for any number of miles behind us.
The funny thing is, we found a new way back to Tennessee from their house that is actually about 2 hours shorter than any way we've driven before. I sit in a hotel room in Iowa, 7 hours from Jackson, and realize that the time we spent with people yesterday was so much more important than anything else we could have done. And I am thankful for the lessons God teaches me in preparation for times like that.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
One More Update
Well, we are back in Jackson. Saturday and Sunday were VERY busy, and I didn't get time to post any updates. So, today I will post an update on our weekend. Later, when I've had time to process a bit more, I'll write some of my reflections. Right now I'm not so sure I'd make it through.
Saturday morning we went to Shkoze for the children's ministry meeting. They are absolutely adorable! A lot of the same kids were there, but there were quite a few smaller ones we hadn't met yet.
Mary, Norman & Lela led the children in worship. I love to hear them sing!
We taught them "Inright, Outright, Upright, Downright" in Shqip. That was fun!
We did the chair skit, and then Matt explained how we can get stuck in sin, and no matter what we or others try to do to set us free, only prayer and Jesus can do that.
Bethany from California told the story of Joseph interpreting dreams while Carol drew out the story.
The kids did some Scripture memory games that they had a lot of fun with.
They had snack & a craft outside. We also had some time just for hugs and talking.
Saturday night we were back at the Brewer's for youth group. We sang some of the same songs from the morning, did the Jesus vs. Satan sin skit that we had done at Berti's church, and Meg & Wayne shared their testimonies. We played a really fun game that broke the light three times. Afterwards we all walked for ice cream :)
Sunday morning we had church in Shkoze. The worship just brought me to tears. The thought of all of us, from every tribe, tongue and nation worshiping Jesus together in heaven moves me every time. I shared my testimony, and Fredi shared the sermon. It was very difficult to say goodbye to the ladies we came to love so much so quickly.
Sunday evening was our last church service with the Brewer's. This one was in their home. Carol shared her testimony and Norman gave the message.
A lot of tears were shed that night as we said goodbye to the kids and the Brewer's. We had a wonderful time of prayer with the family before we left. I am always amazed at how strongly the Lord knits together the hearts of His people through Jesus. They will be missed more than they will ever know.
Saturday morning we went to Shkoze for the children's ministry meeting. They are absolutely adorable! A lot of the same kids were there, but there were quite a few smaller ones we hadn't met yet.
Mary, Norman & Lela led the children in worship. I love to hear them sing!
We taught them "Inright, Outright, Upright, Downright" in Shqip. That was fun!
We did the chair skit, and then Matt explained how we can get stuck in sin, and no matter what we or others try to do to set us free, only prayer and Jesus can do that.
Bethany from California told the story of Joseph interpreting dreams while Carol drew out the story.
The kids did some Scripture memory games that they had a lot of fun with.
They had snack & a craft outside. We also had some time just for hugs and talking.
Saturday night we were back at the Brewer's for youth group. We sang some of the same songs from the morning, did the Jesus vs. Satan sin skit that we had done at Berti's church, and Meg & Wayne shared their testimonies. We played a really fun game that broke the light three times. Afterwards we all walked for ice cream :)
Sunday morning we had church in Shkoze. The worship just brought me to tears. The thought of all of us, from every tribe, tongue and nation worshiping Jesus together in heaven moves me every time. I shared my testimony, and Fredi shared the sermon. It was very difficult to say goodbye to the ladies we came to love so much so quickly.
Sunday evening was our last church service with the Brewer's. This one was in their home. Carol shared her testimony and Norman gave the message.
A lot of tears were shed that night as we said goodbye to the kids and the Brewer's. We had a wonderful time of prayer with the family before we left. I am always amazed at how strongly the Lord knits together the hearts of His people through Jesus. They will be missed more than they will ever know.
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