Real Friends

Quite a few things have happened over the past month or so that have caused me to ponder relationships and the names we call each other, specifically "friend". I live in the south now, and I have realized that people here are quick to jump every time someone needs something, or even if they don't. Having a baby here was a total shock to me. Did you know people actually bring meals to people who have babies? I didn't. When Ian was born, people came to visit and celebrate, not feed us. But that was in Minnesota. When Lynnea was born here, I got in trouble with some people because we were out shopping and weren't home when they tried to bring us supper. It actually offended me, as though they thought that having a baby suddenly rendered me unable to lift a spoon or turn on the oven, or that I had done nothing to plan for this event over the 9 months I had to prepare for the child's arrival. I have since learned that it is one of those cultural things I will just have to accept without understanding. And that is just one example of things that people will do to "help".

Another thing, which is not southern-specific, but a situation you find everywhere, is that people will sit and listen to you talk about yourself all day, but most are barely willing to open up and share even a little bit of their life with you. And that's just if you ask. If you don't ask, they will almost never volunteer anything about themselves.

Frankly, it gets tiring, lonely and depressing to try to have relationships with people when they are one-sided. Relationships are supposed to require something from us. They are supposed to be give and take. When someone only wants to give and listen and support but will not give you the opportunity to do the same in return, they rob you of the joy of being their friend. Which is why I think we throw the word "friend" around too easily. Someone we meet up with in the grocery store, at school or sporting events, or even at church, who will smile and say hi, and sometimes even hug you is not a "friend", they are an acquaintance.

A friend is someone who trusts you and your relationship enough to allow you to help meet their physical, emotional and spiritual needs. They'll share their struggles and joys, and allow you to help and celebrate with them. They will not ask you (even if not in words, but by their actions) to allow them to be a friend to you without allowing you to be one to them, too. So today I am reevaluating my relationships. I will be more careful about the names I give people in my life. Although my list of "friends" has shortened significantly through this process, the value of those who truly are my friends has increased beyond measure. They are the ones who I can walk alongside knowing that we can truly do life together.

True Community

This morning we had a precious time of testimony during the church service where people could share what they are thankful the Lord has been doing in their lives. I was truly blessed to hear how many of those comments centered around the work that He has done through the people of Northbrook. I have never been part of a church family that so faithfully, lovingly and genuinely lives out their faith in the context of relationship and community. Nothing could be a better witness than when His people live out His Word in a real way, and we get to watch that happening every day.

What saddens me is the people who are introduced to a community like that and leave because of what it requires. True community requires honesty, vulnerability, a laying aside of yourself, a willingness to be held accountable to Biblical standards (even when it's hard), as well as a heart that is open to being confronted with our sin and the changes necessary to be freed from that. We think there is freedom in the ability to choose to do whatever we want, but choosing to do things that contradict what we know is right leaves us in bondage to guilt, shame, anger, broken relationships and other painful consequences of sin. True community hurts for those who are in bondage and helps free them to be who Christ desires and enables us to be. My prayer is that those who claim the name of Christ will be willing to put themselves in community with other believers and reap the benefits that come from struggling through our messes together. Nothing may be harder than true community, but nothing is more worth it, either.

Under Construction

There have been many times in my life where the Lord has convicted me of something that needs to be changed or surprised me with a situation I wasn't ready for or allowed me to go through a difficult time in order to learn and grow. In all of that, I have never experience the depth of change, conviction or emotions that I've experienced over the past few weeks.

Those of you who know me know that I would give just about anything to get out of, and far away from, the south forever. This is a place and a culture of people that reminds me constantly in a hundred different ways that I don't fit and never will. As Mark and I have talked through some things over the past couple of weeks, we decided to stay here for a very long time. He loves what he does at Youth Town, values the ministry there, and wants to retire having devoted his entire career to one organization. The reality of that decision took a little while to sink in, but honestly not as long as I expected. Instead, God has used it to begin to change some things in my heart and mind that have needed to be challenged for a long time.

One of the things I have found is that it truly is freeing to a wife when her husband stands up as the spiritual leader and says, "I believe this is where God has lead us and what is best for our family." Mark has the freedom to pursue his goals, even on the hard days, knowing that he is doing what God has called him to do, and without the pressure of me asking him to do something different. That's not an easy change for me to make, but it's easier when I see the weight of trying to balance his desires and what he feels is right with the impossible task of making me happy all the time lifted off of him. That's not a fair expectation, and he shouldn't have to carry it.

Another thing that is freeing is knowing that we are settled in one place. It may not be the place I would have chosen, but it is settled. That allows me the freedom to focus on things without always having the thought in the back of my mind that I may not be able to follow through with commitments or relationships. The trip to Albania is a perfect example of that. I can put 100% into that trip knowing that I really am going to get to go.

The biggest challenge to my thinking has come in the area of relationships. I have always desired to have real, intimate relationships, and at times have been blessed with that. The barriers to those relationships that God has revealed to me in the past couple of weeks have convicted me to the core. I know this is getting long, but bear with me.

The first barrier has been something I have carried my whole life. I have never believed that people could like me. I was miserable growing up because I never felt like I had any real friends. Those feelings have followed me into adulthood. When you spend your life expecting people to not like you, you put up walls of defense around your heart so you don't get your hopes up or get too surprised when they don't.

The second barrier is that I have allowed the treatment and opinions of many people to affect the way I look at everybody. If I am rejected by those who are "from here", than everyone who lives here must surely feel the same way. Again, assumptions that turn into walls.

The third barrier is that I wanted so badly to leave here that I focused on getting us out rather than on making things work here. Why put time & effort into relationships when you plan on leaving them all behind anyway. Then, when you don't put the time and effort in, and the relationships don't happen, it only feeds into the assumptions that nobody likes you and you'll never fit in. Are you starting to see the cycle? I am.

Nobody likes to admit when they're wrong, but I have had to in some pretty big ways. And you know what? It feels good. It feels like a fresh start. It scares me to death. It's a commitment to changing things in my heart and life and attitude and actions that may not be received or reciprocated by those around me. But this isn't about what people think or how they respond. It's about negative, sinful attitudes that I have held onto for too long. Attitudes that keep me from loving others keep me from being right with the Lord, and that is unacceptable to me.

For those of you that have held with me through this long post, thanks for listening. And I welcome the accountability that will be needed as I begin to change outwardly the things that God is changing inwardly. After all, I am still under construction...

Crazy Weekend

This weekend is a crazy one for us as we are headed in many different directions. Today was supposed to be a day of getting ready for it, but instead I had a really bad migraine. By the time I worked all day, got the oil changed in the van, took the kids for ice cream and went to Walmart, I had had about all I could take. Thankfully, I have a very understanding husband who took care of feeding the kids so I could hole up in a dark room for a while.

Tomorrow daddy & the boys are headed to Nathan Beford Forrest State Park for a hike with the RA's from church. Jadon is so excited he can hardly stand it. He has watched Mark & Ian go on the hikes and campouts for three years, and this is his first chance to go, too. It's fun to watch him as he starts to feel like one of the big boys.

Lynnea and I are heading to Tuscaloosa, AL with Mark's mom and Shari. We'll meet up with some of her teammates for dinner and swimming (not much swimming, coaches. Don't freak out!) Mark & the boys and his dad will join us late Saturday night. EARLY Sunday morning we'll head to Lynnea's meet. She had a rough meet last weekend, so she's hoping to do much better this time. At least she's determined instead of giving up after one not-so-good meet.

We're hoping to get back to town in time for SaLT group Sunday night, although you never know how long meets & awards are gonna go. This will be the third week in a row we've missed church & SaLT, and I really hate that. It makes the disconnected feeling even worse. Next weekend we'll be in Jackson, though, so our Sunday schedule should be normal. I'm glad for that.

Anyway, I know this blog is pointless, but that's what my thoughts are like in the aftermath of a migraine. Let's just hope it stays gone. I'm out of Maxalt.

Final Thoughts

As I sit here and listen to John McCain give his concession speech, I feel the need to put down some last thoughts before we put this election behind us. I don't think I am alone in saying I am disappointed but not surprised at the result. As I have prayed through these past few weeks, the passage in 1 Samuel 8 has repeatedly come to my mind. Israel demanded a king, and the Lord assured Samuel that it was not him that the people were rejecting, but the Lord. He warned the people through Samuel of the terrible things this new king would bring upon them, but the people insisted. The Lord said, "Listen to them and give them a king."

Americans have been in the process of rejecting God and removing Him from our institutions, schools, marriages, families and especially our government for years. Yes, God is fully in control. But sometimes He chooses to give us what we ask for and allow us to suffer the consequences for our choices. I believe He has allowed us to have our "king" in the results of this election tonight.

It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think of the road we are about to travel down over the next few years. Many of us may have made a different choice, but as Americans, we suffer the consequences alongside those who made this choice. I wonder, though, how many of those who cast their vote for Obama today, and are celebrating his victory tonight, will stand up for that choice and share in the responsibility of the consequences of his leadership.

Although I disagreed with Bill Clinton ideologically, I could submit to his leadership as the president of my country. That does not seem possible this time. There is much more than an ideological issue with Obama-a deeper spiritual and patriotic issue that goes to the core of who I am and what and Who I believe in. And while I don't believe Obama was rejected for his race by those who opposed him this time, it saddens me that his decisions and leadership as our president will end up hurting race relations in this country and the opportunities for minorities to follow in his footsteps. I go to bed tonight with a heavy heart and a sense of fear and dread for what we as Americans have chosen tonight.

The Blessing of Conflict

Today I had a conflict with someone I care about a lot. I said something that hurt her, and she called me on it. The conversation wasn't fun, but it ended well. Even more, it made me even more thankful for her. Rather than getting angry and distancing herself from me, she confronted me and gave me the opportunity to apologize. Because of that, I now know that I need to be even more careful about the things I say and/or write. That's important, because my relationship with her is more important to me than venting my frustration at times.

Unfortunately, we don't have enough people like that in our lives. At least, I know I don't. Too many conflicts are allowed to fester and grow to include every little thing that the other person does until soon everything they do is an offense. When we get to that point, the relationship is so fractured that reconciliation is nearly impossible. Very few people enjoy conflict. I know I don't. But I am thankful for the gift of the process that leads to reconciliation, and for those few who are willing to fight through it to get to the blessing that follows.

Answering the Tough Question...Finally

I have been asked by a few of my more liberal friends why I am voting for John McCain. I have avoided answering that question because I really didn't think I could do it without being sarcastic and completely inconsiderate of the other side. For weeks now I have considered my answer, and this is my attempt at a fair but kind response.

First of all, I am not a huge John McCain supporter. I disagree with many things on both his policies and his personality. In fact, until he chose Sarah Palin, I was not even remotely excited about this election. To be quite honest, my vote is FOR Sarah Palin and AGAINST Obama, and has very little to do with John McCain.

I know the economy is a huge factor for many people right now, but it is just not that big of an issue for me. Not that I am hiding my head in the sand and pretending that things are good. I just know that markets go up and down all the time. My reality is that we are only 34 years old. We have at least 30 years before we look at retirement, probably closer to 40. The economy will surely go through many ups and downs in that time. Besides, the current legislature and president already screwed it up by passing the bailout bill. And I think we also give the president WAY too much credit for what the economy does or fails to do. Just like we blame him for natural disasters and the choices of evil empires, but I digress.

With that being said, my three main issues in this election are: 1) Abortion. I love and serve a God who is the creator, giver and lover of life. To stand against, or support a candidate who stands against, that precious gift is to stand against God Himself. That is not a choice I am willing to make. Ever.

2) Education. I have three children in the public school system. The nature of Mark's profession pretty much guarantees that we will never be rich enough to afford private school. Besides, I think all the people who have the ability to affect change just giving up and leaving to create their own "country club" schools just guarantees that the public schools will continue their downward spiral. And that is coming froma mother who's children are in, I am convinced, one of the worst public school systems in the country. Sorry, again I digress. I cannot support a candidate who was responsible for doling out hundreds of thousands of dollars to organizations devoted to radically liberalizing our public schools. They get to the kids who have already been convinced by the society they are raised in that they will never be able to achieve anything and turn them against the very people who would love to help lift them up if simply given trust and a chance. I can't take that chance with my kids, or the millions of others out there who don't have any choice but public education.

3) Judicial appointments. Our founding father's created three branches of government for a reason. They intentionally put checks and balances in place so that no one branch would be given, or could assume, too much power. If Barrack Obama is elected president and has the ability to put ultraliberal judges on the Supreme Court and lower courts, we move (as we have already seen from current judges) in the direction of judges legislating from the bench rather than interpreting the law. When we eliminate the checks and balances in our Constitution, we eliminate the need for a constitution at all. Since Supreme Court justices are appinted for life, this is a decision that will affect our children to the third & fourth generations.

My son, Ian, doesn't like it when he has to run killers at soccer practice because another player acted up. We have to remind him repeatedly that soccer is a team sport. When one player makes a mistake, everybody on the team suffers the consequences. This election is the same way. I will go cast my vote for John McCain, but I am more fearful than I have words for that Barrack Obama will be our next president. And because of the choices of some, all of us will have to face the consequences-for generations to come. The nasty side of me comes out sometimes, and I want to say, well, they'll see how misguided they were. But the honest, loving side of me doesn't want anyone to have to suffer the consequences of that choice, whether they were part of making it or not.

I believe, like many other Christians I know and love who truly have a heart for racial reconciliation, that it would be good for America to have a black president. But I also believe that this is not the right one. I believe that he will do so much harm to the America we know and love that it will seriously harm race relations and the chance for another minority leader, one who is well qualified and deserves the chance to lead, to have that chance for a very long time.

We live in a get-rich-quick, fast food, me, me, me society that refuses to look past immediate wants and needs to see the big picture and the responsibility we have in every election to consider how our choices will affect the future and those who come after us. Our country was founded by men who looked to the future for us. I wish that I could say we still had the same vision.

What is "Real"?

We hear so much, especially in Christian circles, about "real relationships". Everybody says they want them, many struggle to define them, and often, if we're honest, we are scared to death of them. Most people that I know think that the key to real relationships is to be able to share everything that is on your heart and mind with someone. The thing is, for some people, that's really easy to do with anyone anytime. For others, talking about the things inside of them is very difficult, even with people they are very close to.

I have come to realize over the past few months that real relationships are much more dependent on our ability to care about others, rather than it is on their willingness to care about us. There is a poem I have always loved called, "Will You Be My Friend", and one line says, "I talk about myself when I am afraid." I am one of those people that finds it fairly easy to be open & honest about my "stuff". The thing is, talking about me protects me from having to care about others, to let them have a space in my heart. That way, when they leave or turn their backs, the pain will not be so great. They will not have had ownership on any part of me.

The Lord has put a couple of people in my life that have stretched me in this area, who have snuck past that thick wall around my heart. He has also moved us into a small group of people that puts me at risk for allowing even more people past that wall. To be completely honest, I am petrified of taking that step. But I can see how God has begun to heal hurts from the past in preparation for what He is getting ready to do. Although I thought I understood real relationship, and have had glimpses of it in the past, I think the Lord is getting ready to show me by experience what that really means. And while it is a frightening prospect, it is a gift of opportunity that I am eager to grasp.

For I Know the Plans I Have for You...

Our ladies Bible study group started in the book of Exodus this week. This is one of those books I have read & studied before, but, like the living book the Bible is, this time around it is speaking to me in a totally different way. It is almost overwhelming to think about how God plans the events of the whole universe, and yet His plans for each individual person fit perfectly into that bigger plan. Our faults, fears, failures, hurts, losses, joys, achievements, highs and lows will all eventually fit perfectly into His story. Like my friend said tonight, "I sometimes wonder what my 5 verses in the Bible would say one day."

It's easy to look at what we are going through in this moment, this season, good or bad, and think this is all there is. Our sight is so limited. Yet when we look back, we can begin to get a small glimpse of how it all fits together, how the Lord has worked things out for good and for His purposes-just like He promised to those who love Him. But wouldn't our lives be a much better witness-so much more full of thankfulness and joy-if we intentionally looked at each moment, each day, as a part of His plan. Not just knowing in our head that it is, but having that knowledge stored in our heart, that we could begin to look for the blessing in everything. Everyday. And then communicate His presence and activity in our lives to the people around us. If we lived like that, we would truly be offering the world something it cannot manufacture on it's own. Don't you think the world would begin to long for what we have? I do.

It's Time to Be Me Again.

So here it is, 1 o'clock in the morning, and once again, I can't sleep. I've thought about whether or not to write this post for about a week now, but I think that sometimes we just have to be gut-level honest about where we're at. Besides, you never know when someone else needs to hear the things you're thinking, when they might just be thinking or feeling the same things, and feel like they're all alone. Some people know that I have struggled for years (possibly even my whole life) with periods of depression. After Lynnea was born, and then again about three years later, I was on anti-depressants for a while. I have tried very hard to not have to take medication again, not because I think there is something wrong with it, but because I don't want to become dependent on it. This past year has been so difficult, though, that I finally had to admit I needed to do something about it. I heard about an herbal supplement called Sam-E, which a doctor I trust said worked in a similar fashion to Welbutrin, but it is all natural. So I tried it. I've been taking it for about two weeks now, and finally the fog seems to be lifting for the first time in a long time.

Obviously over the past year I have become more and more negative, and I hate that. As the fog clears, though, I can begin to pinpoint why-and it is because, as much as I don't like this place, I hate even more what I have become, what I have allowed to change in my heart and mind because of it. I used to smile and laugh and love freely and enjoy life. That's one of the reasons I enjoyed Albania so much. I found that part of me again there. And I liked it.

I used to love and trust people freely. I trusted people until they proved themselves untrustworthy. In the past 11 years, I have begun to distrust everyone until they prove themselves trustworthy. I have seen so much fakiness, so many people who use "prayer requests" to gossip, so many people who will "honey dear" you to death to your face and tear you to pieces behind your back, so many people who will be nowhere around for years and then act like you're their long lost best friend when you see them in the grocery store, that it begins to feel like real relationships are a pipe dream. It's like high school in an adult world. It's depressing and hurtful. And the worst part for me is that I have allowed it to color my view of people in general. I don't trust, and therefore I don't love the way the Lord loves me and expects me to love others. And I have allowed the freedom that comes with selfless love to be chipped away until it is almost unrecognizable. I don't like that.

I always wanted four kids. I did. A lot. And then after our third surprise (no, we didn't plan any of them-but we wouldn't trade them for anything), Mark wanted to be done, and I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't stand the thought of being pregnant and having another baby as long as we lived here. Ian was born in late October in Minnesota. The day we came home from the hospital, we took him to the laundromat while we did the laundry to get ready for the company we had coming that week. People oohed and aahed over him and told us what a precious baby we had. It was such a joyful and pleasant time. Family and friends came to visit. No one tried to cook our meals or clean our house. They just sat, held the baby, and celebrated with us. Then we moved to Tennessee and had Lynnea a little over a year after Ian was born. Mark's mom was so excited that she was a girl (no, we didn't find out before any of them were born), so we went shopping when we left the hospital. Grandma wanted to get some cute little girl things. It was supposed to be a fun trip. I was in the bathroom changing her diaper, and a lady I had never seen before asked me how old she was. When I said two days, she literally went off on me about how terrible it was for either of us to be out of the house that early. Excuse me???? Then, when Jadon was born two years later, my mom had to fly out of Memphis two days after he was born. We loaded the kids into the van to take her to the airport and have a fun afternoon out in Memphis. When we got home, I found out that people were mad at us because they had tried to bring us food and we weren't home. How was I supposed to know that people did that? I mean, they brought us food when Mark was in the hospital, but he nearly died. And it was an emergency. And we didn't have 9 MONTHS to prepare for it. So here I was, trying to enjoy my family and not being pregnant anymore, and I was criticized and belittled by everyone I met. And by the way, my kids have been sick very little. Now that I am watching my friends begin to have their 4ths, I have to fight the resentment over having the joy of just being a new mom diminished by people who expected me to stay in the house like a hermit for 8 weeks. Seriously. Talk about post-partum depression. I would have had to be committed after a week. I know that that was our decision, but I also remember what it felt like, and emotionally at the time I just couldn't take it anymore. And it's probably my biggest hurt about this place.

I have also become lazy. I used to be motivated, adventurous and excited about life. I loved to be busy and social. After 11 years in a place where people decide for you how busy you are and what you can handle, I have become accustomed to doing not much of anything. Until we moved here, I thought that the way it worked was that people called you to ask you to do things socially, or to help when needed. If you could, you said yes, and if you were busy, you said no. That's not the way it works here. They look at what they see from the outside, and, if they would be overwhelmed with three kids, a job and a husband in graduate school, they decide that you are overwhelmed, too. Then they don't call, they don't ask, and you get to watch and hear about the times that other people go out and do things, or work together on projects that you would have loved to have been a part of. If only you weren't too busy by their perceptions. So, I have responded to that by pulling back. I don't volunteer for things, because I am tired of hearing people say, "Oh, you have too much going on. I'll ask someone else." And I don't ask people to go do things, because I get tired of hearing, "You don't have to do that. I know it will take time away from your family." I don't like that about myself, either.

I guess I could go on, but my point is that I have responded to life in the south by becoming less than who I am, less than who I was created to be. I have to take responsibility for my reaction to my surroundings. And I can't do that anymore. For the most part, people don't like me much anyway. But if they didn't like who I was when I got here, and they don't like me now, they aren't ever going to like me. And I like the old me a lot better. And I think I'll like the person God created me to be even more, as I grow to learn and become more and more like Him. So, my choices are to stay the same and continue to respond to the culture I am surrounded by, or to rise above it and become the me I am supposed to be. I like the second option better. And even if I have to struggle through the process alone, I will go through it, because the alternative is unacceptable-to me and to the God who made me.

I am Plop Hero :)

You all know by now that I LOVE Sarah Palin. Her kids do have some different names, though. A friend of mine found this site, and I think it's hilarious. My name would be Plop Hero Palin. Mark said it sounds like I'd do well in a bathroom contest. Gross-I know! Try it out:

politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html

My Project

Just thought I'd post some pics of my new bathroom. Mark helped hang the medicine cabinet, and Ian & Lynnea helped lift the old and new vanities over the pipes. Other than that, I did it all myself-including installing the new sink and faucet. I'm pretty proud of how it turned out.

What Goes on in the Liberal's Mind

Ok, so I sorta forgot about my blog until a friend commented on an old post today. Since I couldn't sleep, and there's a lot on my mind, I thought I'd sit down and share some of it. Actually, I am going to write what I think surely must go on in the minds of liberal voters in America. Here goes:

"I think I'll vote for that Obama fellow. I have all these medical bills and prescriptions. He says I don't have to worry about health care. The government will pay for that. It's the government. I'm sure they have unlimited supplies of money. It won't affect my income at all. I also have this big house, and the three cars in the garage are causing a bit of a problem. He says that I don't have to worry about making those payments, though. The government will take care of that, too, if it gets too much for me to handle.

He said he won't raise taxes for me and my friends, just the businesses we work for. I'm sure it won't affect my paycheck at all if they have to pay more in taxes. Wow. When I think about that, I'm getting off pretty good. Free health care, all my bills paid, and no higher taxes. Maybe I'll even be able to afford a vacation this year. That is, if the terrorists don't attack us or take away our oil supply. Oh, nevermind. I forgot. He's going to negotiate with them, too. I'm sure they'll slash prices on their oil just to accomodate the president who worked side by side with one of their leaders. This guy just gets better all the time.

And what about that other guy? He thinks that government spending should be cut. I'm pretty sure that means I'd have to pay all of my own bills and take care of my own family. That would be asking way too much. He also thinks we should fight the terrorists before they attack us. Don't you think that might offend them? We wouldn't want anyone to be mad at us just because we care about the safety of our families.

And then there's that woman. She doesn't just talk about cutting spending in government, she actually does it. She also chose to have a baby who she knew would have special needs. And now she is supporting her teenage daughter who has chosen to keep her baby. What if that gets out. My goodness, we might all have to start taking responsibility for the consequences of our actions. We can't have that. No. Choice is only a viable argument if it results in the murder of a baby (I mean, elimination of a problem). This is just getting out of hand.

I know that Obama uses a lot of words, but it sure does sound good. All that flowery language and pie-in-the-sky retoric really excites a crowd. And if it sounds good, it must be good, right? I mean, he does quote the Bible. I'm not sure God meant it the way he uses it, but at least he says it. That must be good for something. I know he doesn't have any experience as a leader, but surely he can pick that up along the way. And bless his little heart, he sure does want the job. I mean, he could have lots of TV time and get to take private jets wherever he wants. It would give all our little boys and girls something to aspire to."

Well, I'm sure I could add quite a bit more sarcasm here, but that's enough for one night. Point made.

Home

So last night Mark and I were talking about the trip we are leaving on today. I was still packing and cleaning after midnight last night when he jokingly told me he wished I was excited about this trip. Of course, I am always bouncing off the walls excited when we get to go home, and it's been over two years since we've gone as a family. He said, "But we're not going home." In a sense, I guess that's true. The two places we are going this time are places where we have never lived. First we are going to the Cities where our best friends from college live. We are staying with them and going to our InterVarsity Christian Fellowship reunion with lots more college friends. After that we are headed to my parent's home in northern Wisconsin where they moved after Mark and I were already in Tennessee.

It doesn't matter to me, though. To me, we are going home. Home is not about the place to me, it is about the people and the feeling of welcome and belonging. I am most excited about being able to just sit with people who love me for who I am and don't constantly focus on the ways I am different. It's nice to have people excited that we are going to be there, who want us around, just because we are us. That's Home. I wish that I had taken more advantage of those relationships while we lived there. If I had been as emotionally healthy than as I am now, I would have enjoyed them much more. I can't go back and change that, but I can take advantage of every moment that I have been given this week, and that's exactly what I am going to do.

I Miss Albania

Well, I stand corrected. Thanks for reading :) Actually, I wasn't trying to be negative. This is just weird for me to type out all these thoughts and wonder if they are just floating around in cyberspace somewhere. It's like giving everyone the key to your diary. We never would have dreamed of doing that as teenagers, but now it somehow seems ok.

I had an interesting conversation today about someone who seems to not see the plank in his own eye, yet sees the speck in everyone elses. While sometimes this individual drives me nuts, today I felt the Lord gave me an insight into his heart. Sometimes when we are very aware of the plank in our eye, we make a point of looking for the speck in everyone elses. That way we can somehow try to justify our own. We also then diminish the right or ability of anyone else to speak truth about our plank, because we are so very conscious of their shortfalls. We may not like our plank, but we have gotten so used to looking around it that we are somehow afraid to get rid of it and see clearly again. And it is not just this person who does this, but I can point that finger at myself as well.

On another note, we had our Albania team reunion tonight. What a blessing! The Wright's are here for three months, and we were able to catch up with them and life in Albania, as well as share pictures, video and memories. You know, that place and those people are never far from my mind. I so long to go back there again. I'd love to wrap my arms around the women in the prisons, as well as in the village of Ibe, and tell them we loved them enough to come back and share our Jesus with them again. I am always so overwhelmed when I think of how the Lord could impact the world from that one little country on the Adriatic Sea.

It's My Blog, and I'll Change It If I Want To!

Ok, so I haven't blogged in over a month. I said I was going to finish discussing the book I was reading, but I got into a funk about all this stuff again, and I didn't want to discuss it. So, I was waiting until I felt like discussing it, because I said I would. Well, guess what. It's my blog, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. So there. I know-you all care so very much :) I know. Nobody reads this anyway, so I'm blowing off steam for my own health.

On another note-something I do want to discuss-we got our economic stimulus check today. I know, also not a big deal to anyone else. But it's huge to me because it means...I GET TO GO HOME!!!!! In ten days! We are going to the Cities for an InterVarsity Christian Fellowship reunion the first weekend, and then heading to my parents' in northern Wisconsin for a week. Lynnea is spending the week at my dad's gymnastics camp, and the rest of us are going to hike, hang out, find some water and deer antlers, and just enjoy not being in Tennessee for 10 days. Yippee! I'm VERY excited.

I'm going to try to get back on track with this thing, but I'm not making any promises. Yet. We're going to Kentucky this weekend, and then back to Jackson to do laundry and pack for home. We'll be back here on the 21st, so after that I should be able to be more consistent. If anyone cares.

How Do You Define "Relationship"?

So I said in my last post, which I know was a couple weeks ago, that I have a book I want to blog about. Well, I finished reading it the day I wrote that, but it's taken me this long to begin to process it. I think what I am going to do is take it chapter by chapter and just share my thoughts. If you are reading this and want to participate in th discussion, feel free to leave comments. The book is called "Foreign to Familiar" by Sarah A. Lanier. It was recommended to me by a friend who understands how difficult it is for a yankee to live in the south. She has been very instrumental in helping me understand that I have been placed in a "foreign culture", and that, even though it's not overseas, I have to look at it just like anyone going to a foreign country on the mission field. That new outlook has made living in West Tennessee much easier to bear, and I am grateful for the insight and understanding of my friend.

To be honest, the book kind of made me mad at first. That's part of why it's taken so long for me to process through it. It talks about how hot-climate cultures (like the south) value relationship more than cold-climate culture (like the north). First of all, I dont agree with that idea at all, and it made me not want to read the rest of the book. Then I remembered that the author is from the south, so her definition of relationship is already different than mine. And I think that what it comes down to-how you define relationship.

There are a lot of definitions for relationship in the dictionary, so here is a summary: 1. a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection)2. a state involving mutual dealings between people or parties or countries 3. relatedness or connection by blood or marriage or adoption

As a cold-climate person myself, I highly value relationships with people. In fact, that is part of the reason I have had such a hard time living in the south. I don't see a true understanding of relationship. The culture I live in is much more concerned with appearances in the way they relate to people than in actually building relationships. Real relationships take work and time and effort and honesty. They are not built overnight, and they don't stay strong without consistent effort. They also cannot be real if they are not built on truth and honesty. Always pretending everything is great and saying the things that the person wants to hear only play into appearances and do nothing to build a real relationship. So, that is the way I define relationship, and that is the view that the rest of my posts about this book will come from.

If you have an opinion about this subject, I'd love to hear it. Until next time...

Expelled

Friday night Mark and I went to see Ben Steins new documentary film, Expelled. It is very thought provoking, and I still have not wrapped my brain around all of the thoughts and ideas presented in the movie. In fact, I was going to wait a few more days to comment on it, but tonight I started a new book that will require probably more than a few blog posts. Therefore, I wanted to put a few thoughts down about Expelled before it loses it's place in Ronda's blog train of thought.

Obviously there are so many holes in the theory of evolution that even the worst archer in the world could shoot an arrow through it from miles away. Therefore, I am not even going to comment on that idea, except that it is scary how much damage it can do to the minds and hearts of our kids. When you take away the fact that they have a creator who loves and values relationship with them above all else, as well as with everyone else in the world, you take away any value of life at all. Then we wonder why abortion, drugs, murder, disrespect for authority, and...exists to the extent it does in our world today. Why care? If we all evolved from a big mud pit, and will eventually return there with no hope of anything after death, what's the point? In the end, love is a waste of time-if there is no loving God who took the time to create us, a world for us to live in, and a way for us to have relationship with Him forever, that is.

The overarching thought I had throughout the whole movie, and the emotion I still have two days later, is pity for those whose total lostness was obvious. They are not willing to entertain the thought that there might be a personal creator God, because then everything they have built their lives on will crumble. They must perpetuate the lie, because the truth would force them to face the error that will affect them for all eternity. One day these people will have to stand before the Lord and realize what a horrible mistake they've made. Even worse, they will be held accountable for all those whose lives they influenced-and there will be nothing they can do about it. The pitiful and dangerous consequence of pride.

Only in Tennessee

This statue has been on display for years at Loretta Lynn's Campground in Hurricane Mills, TN. You'd think somebody would have proofread it first.





You can't read this well, but it was posted in the pharmacy at Walmart. It says, "Alphabet has changed. Thanks!". Really!? Even Ian thought that was dumb.


Are we really supposed to think this is a good deal?





And this one's my favorite! Maybe if they double the price, we'll think it's worth more???

Adventures in Pajamas

Yesterday we had another round of strong thunderstorms and tornado watches/warnings. I don't get afraid, or even really nervous, when those things happen, but I do like to have my family together and be prepared. That way I know that if something does happen, all we have to worry about is getting the kids to a safe place. Our safe place is the hallway. I always pack a small bag with a change of clothes and toothbrushes for everyone, as well as a stack of blankets and our computers, camera and external hard drive in the cubby area in front of our hall bathroom. That bathroom is unusable at this point, so it has become a storage closet as we are decluttering our house. Trust me, these are all important details for the rest of the story.

Since the weather did get pretty bad, with thunder, lightening, little tiny hail, and a transformer on our corner that blew, the kids were in bed with us. That meant nobody got much sleep. This morning, since I didn't have anywhere to be until 9:30, I decided to take the kids to school in my pajamas. After all, I was staying in the car and had plenty of time to take a shower when I got home. So here's what I did:

1) Put on my leather jacket over my pajamas.
2) Went outside and realized it was too hot for the leather jacket.
3) Took it back inside and hung it on the coat rack.
4) Took the kids to school, wearing my flannel jammies (without my hair combed, by the way.
5) Got home and realized that my house keys were in the pocket of...you guessed it...my leather jacket.

So, in the pouring rain and my flannel jammies, I crawled over the fence and broke into my own house. Guess where I got in. The bathroom, which is serving as a storage closet. So, balanced with one foot on the toilet and one foot on tippytoe between stored things that may or may not be important, I tried to open the door. Next problem. Remember all of the things I had packed in the hallway last night? They were in front of the bathroom door. So here I am, in my pajamas, soaked and balancing precariously on the toilet and semi-floor, and I can't get the door open. I shoved as hard as I could, and finally got it to budge enough that I could squeeze through.

Amazingly, I did manage to take a shower and go on with my day. Good thing, too, since it was a pretty good day. I'll write more about that later. Tonight, I am securing my house once again and going to bed-in fresh clean flannel jammies-which is exactly what I wanted to go back to this morning!

Ian's War Wound

This afternoon I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. Since I was in staff meeting, I didn't answer it. A few minutes later, I got a text message from Mark that said, "Call me about Ian." Of course, I responded to that quickly. The first call had been from the school just wanting to let us know that Ian had bumped his head and had a little bruise. They didn't want us to be worried when we saw him after school. They had told Mark that Ian was fine and wanted to stay at school, so I figured it was no big deal. When I picked him up this afternoon, this is what I saw:

!!! He had been walking down the hall talking to a friend and a teacher just happened to open her door-just in time for him to walk into it. He's had a little headache, and doesn't like to ice it AT ALL, but otherwise, he's excited to have a war wound to brag about.

Spring Break Finally

Well, I said I was going to post some pictures from spring break, so, finally, two weeks later, here they are.

First we went to Shiloh. Ian has gotten very interested in the Civil War and wanted to go see the battlefield.






After Shiloh we went to Pickwick Landing State Park and fed the ducks and Canadian geese. The kids had a blast and fed the whole loaf of bread to the birds.




We also spent a day in downtown Memphis while daddy was in class. We spent time with Elvis and the Peabody ducks, riding in Cinderella's carriage, and hugging the big egg.











This is a really fun stage of parenting. The kids are old enough to not need constant supervision. They are all developing their own interests, and they are fun to hang out with-as long as they are getting along, that is :) I'm really looking forward to the next few years, especially as Jadon begins to catch up.

New Beginnings and Disappointments

In about an hour we are going to church to celebrate the ordination of two wonderful men. Russ and his family are getting ready to start a multicultural church in downtown Jackson. Mark and his family are getting ready to head to Lisbon, Portugal to be full time missionaries. It is exciting to see how the Lord has called and prepared these two families for the next step in their work for the Kingdom. I can't wait to watch how He works through both of these new ventures.

As I watch my friends preparing for new adventures, it is a stark contrast to the disappointment I feel over another dead end on the search for our own. Two years ago we thought we had a new beginning, and it didn't happen. That was our fault. We said no. This time it wasn't our choice. We did everything in our power, and it still didn't happen. Although I am very sad, it is easier to know that we were obedient to the end. The sadness will dissipate much faster and easier than the anger and guilt I felt before.

As I write I wonder, will I have the courage to dream again? Yet, even as I ask that question, I know the answer. Because I know that the dream has never changed. So the real question is, do I trust enough to believe it will happen-not in my timing (obviously), but in the Lord's? And when the sadness rolls away, I believe that I will. Maybe the last three and a half months were just the training grounds for what waiting really means. I need to learn to do it well-and bring glory and honor to the Lord, even in the desert.

I Want to be a Bird

It's spring, and the hawks are out in full force. As I've watched them circling the fields, I have been amazed at the thought of how they can see little mice and other critters from way up there, and how they can time their swoop perfectly to snatch one up for dinner.

Today, though, as I watched two hawks dancing in the sky, I thought, "I bet sometimes birds fly just because they can." I wish I was a bird.

Thoughts on Waiting

Later I will post about the fun times I had with the kids over the weekend. I want to put pictures with it, and they are on my computer at home. Today I want to just admit that I am feeling lonely. It's gotten a bit better over the past couple of weeks, but today is hard. Yesterday some people we love accepted a new job and announced that they are preparing to move. They don't live here, so they're not leaving us. It made me sad a bit, though, because there is hope in that second chance. As happy as I am for them, I feel a twinge of jealousy that it is not us.

Living in Jackson is very hard. I've had people say, "Well, you were lonely in high school, so what makes this worse?" What makes it worse is that high school, being a teenager in general, has an end. No matter how miserable it is, you know you will be moving on. This city, unless your family has lived here for generations or you went to Union, will never ever welcome you. You could live here a hundred years and never be "from here". When you go visit other places, people say, "Where are you from?" in a way that says they are interested in your story. Here they say, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" in a way that reminds you that you will ALWAYS be an outsider. Today, I am struggling with the loneliness of living here again.

At lunch I read Lamentations 3:17-29, 55-58. The whole chapter is good, but these verses spoke to my heart today.

"I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, 'My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord.' I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust-there may yet be hope...I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: 'Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.' You came near when I called you, and you said, 'Do not fear.' O Lord, you tooko up my case; you redeemed my life."

I am so glad that I am not the only one who has struggled with stuckness, and that God's Word itself is full of encouragement from those who have walked this way before. "It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." May it come quickly.

A Glimpse of God's Pain

Last night at Bible study we were talking about love, fear (or lack of fear) in love, and people's response to love. It made me think of two friends whom I love dearly. Both of them struggle with depression, and have a tendency to withdraw and avoid love. Most of the time when I call, they don't answer. I will leave repeated messages, and they do not respond. This hurts my heart. I know that they are my friends and that they are not avoiding me because they don't love me. They simply don't feel lovable, and therefore do not know how to receive love from me, or others who try to love them.

How many times have I felt unworthy of God's love? I knew He was calling to me to spend time with Him, to pray and read His Word, His love letter to me. Yet, because of my unworthiness, I have avoided His advances. I haven't respond to His love because I do not know how to receive it. If I know how much it hurts my heart to be avoided by my friends, and I can only love them with limited human love, how much more must it hurt the heart of God for me to avoid His offers of love?

I pray all the time that the Lord will show me His heart. Often there is pain in what is revealed. "Perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18) Imagine what we could accomplish if we were unafraid to love, regardless of the pain or consequences. Oh, if we could only live every day with the heart of our Lord. We may feel so much more pain, but we would also change the world.

I think I'm Schizophrenic

Not really. But lately it sure feels like it. One minute I am totally at peace and sure that things are going to work out exactly the way I want them to. Then I am depressed and imagining the worst case scenario. Then I am angry at the way things are right now and my inability to change it. Then I am fully surrendered to the Lord and committed to doing (with a good attitude, mind you), whatever He asks me to do. Sometimes those feelings all happen within 10 minutes of each other. Im glad this is situational and not permanent. Whew! I can't imagine feeling like this all the time.

Today is a pretty good day as far as all that goes. I have once again had to lay down my will and ask God to give me the desires of my heart. Not the things that I want, necessarily, but if what I want is not His will, that He would replace my desires with His. I have to do that daily, sometimes lots of times a day, because my desires are so strong right now. Is any of this making sense?

I really want to be led by His truth rather than by my feelings. When I am, the schizophrenia gives way to peace and joy and security. Today I commit to trying to focus on truth every time my feelings try to take over. Wish me luck.

Definition of a Good Day

So, how would you define a good day? For me, a good day is one where I have experienced God, adventure, humor and real relationship with other people. The who, what, when, where and how is pretty irrelevant.

Jadon has been getting in trouble in school again (oh, if only he could learn to keep his mouth shut!). Three days last week he had to pull a card. Thursday night he wanted his hair cut to get ready for school pictures on Friday, so I got out the clippers and "made his head fuzzy".

After school on Friday, Jadon got in the van and said, "I got my haircut. I had my picture taken. I stayed on purple. I get a treat, AND it's snowing! It's been a good day!" Sounds like a great definition of a good day to me :)

Yesterday it snowed! A lot! Ok, a lot for Tennessee. We had 3 inches on the top of our van and 4 inches in the grass.
When it started yesterday I first amused myself by watching the natives panic. Seriously, you have to laugh at them, or you get really annoyed by the irrationality of it all. I mean, we are in west Tennessee. Even if we do get a lot of snow, tomorrow it will be 60 degrees and it will all melt anyway. Are 10 gallons of milk and 48 bottles of water truly necessary?

Then the kids and I drove around town shopping for gloves and singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs. When we got home they played outside until they were soaking wet, and then it was time for hot chocolate.

This morning we went sledding with some friends. It was a great time (while the snow lasted). Like I said, we are in west Tennessee.




The rest of the day we have spent working on the house. I should say, Mark has spent working on the house. I have alternated between sorting through kids clothes and avoiding working on the house. I know it needs to be done (probably VERY QUICKLY), but it all feels very overwhelming to me. When I get overwhelmed, I avoid. This only results in more overwhelmedness. Pretty dumb, huh? I guess I should get off the computer and finish the clothes.

Renewed Passion

It is amazing how much better you feel physically, emotionally and even spiritually after a good night's sleep. I still didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but it was REALLY cold in our room. Getting the heat fixed would probably help that little problem.

God is so good! The past few years have been a great struggle for me, knowing that my relationship with Him was not where it should be-not even where it used to be. I never want to be one of those "used-to-be" Christians, but I didn't know how to get back to where I was and grow from there. Discouragement and depression are very difficult monsters to fight, especially on your own.

Years ago I had those same struggles. I came to the point where I realized I couldn't force growth, so I started praying and asking God to give me a passion for Him and His Word that was beyond anything I could manufacture on my own. After praying that every day for almost two years, I looked back and realized that he had done it. He had given me that passion, and it happened while I was not paying attention. When you live like that with the Lord, and then feel you've lost it, the discouragement is great.

Last fall I decided that the only way to get back on track was to go back to the last place I knew where God was. I started praying that prayer again. Before Christmas, breakthroughs started happening. I could see where God was breaking down walls of defense that I had been unwilling to acknowledge. Fear is also a pretty big monster.

This week, finally, I feel free from so much of that garbage. The love that I feel, the passion for people to know and love the Lord, is not for the people I have asked God to help me love (not that they are not important). It's just that I had an idea in my head of what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to be focused on, and where I should be spending my energy. The good thing is, God knows what parts of our prayers should be honored, and which don't fit His purposes. He does renew passion and spiritual ferver, and He gives us hearts that fit his purposes and where He wants to use us. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Footwear Blessings and French Toast Failures

Yesterday I went to Shoe Carnival to look for a pair of baby boy cowboy boots. Yes, I know-my boys aren't babies anymore. But there's a good reason. They're for Mark and I (really!) LOL! Anyway, there were no baby boots to be found. There were, though, some really nice, leather everyday shoes for Ian and Jadon that were marked down to $5 each! How cool is that?!?! The best part is that Lynnea's gymnastics was $10 less than planned this month (who knows why), so I ended up paying a whole dollar (after tax) more than I planned on spending anyway. Gotta love those little blessings.

So, here's some of the encouragement the Lord has given me in my waiting. The first, Psalm 16:5-11, was part of my devotion time while watching the sun rise over the mountains in Wyoming: "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will also rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

The second is one that He gave me this morning. Last night was a bad night. I made breakfast food for the kids, since they were about to die without cinnamon french toast :) First I turned on the griddle, started the bacon, dropped a slab of french toast on the griddle and...nothing. I had plugged in the toaster instead of the griddle. Then, after everything was cooked, hot and ready to be eaten I realized that I had forgotten to purchase the all important bottle of maple syrup. The kids ate the french toast anyway. Mark ate eggs. I ate nothing. Lynnea had forgotten her book bag at gymnastics and still had homework, so I went back to the gym to get her backpack. On the way, I remembered that I had also not purchased supplies that I had promised my boss I would have by today. So...back to Walmart I went. I got the supplies as well as some much needed comfort ice cream. 34 is way too young to be losing my mind. Needless to say, I needed some encouragement. This is what I got:

Psalm 20: "May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May He send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. May He remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. May He give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all your requests. Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed; He answers him from His holy heaven with the saving power of His right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. O Lord, save the king! Answer us when we call!"

As I typed out that last passage, I got to thinking. Yes, I know-big surprise. Over the past ten years, especially the last 5, I have sacrificed much of myself and my heart. I have to admit, though, that many of them, especially the past two years, have been with a bad attitude. And I wonder, how much of my sacrifices are acceptable because of that. I do repent wholeheartedly for that attitude. There can never be true sacrifice without a broken, contrite, and right heart before the Lord. No matter what happens during and after the waiting, may my heart attitude be pleasing and acceptable once again to my Lord.

Life Abundantly

Today I am thinking about life. While in Wyoming, Mark and I met a man named Irv who has been a rancher his whole life. His ranch goes back 5 generations in his family, and he is now training a young man, Cole, who he calls his son, to take over. The respect and love that Cole has for Irv is obvious and understandable the minute you meet him. He is a gruff old man with a heart of gold.

One thing that I noticed above all else when Irv talked was his ability to love and live life. Everything he talked about-his family, his land, his work, his friends, his neighbors-is intertwined. There is no separation. They are not parts of his life. They are his life. He has a deep love for all of it and no tolerance for anyone who doesn't. It is a protective love, one that would die for the people and things he loves and believes in. That's the kind of love the Lord has for us, and I truly believe it is that love that is the source of real life.

When we can get to a point in our lives where we live and love completely, unselfishly, generously-then we can say we are experiencing the abundant life that Jesus said He came to give us. Compartmentalizing our lives makes the mundane, everyday, unlikable tasks, as well as the people we just have to put up with, something that must be endured to get to the good stuff. Living life fully and wholly makes them part of the abundance, part of the gift, that would not be complete without their presence. It forces us to love, yet, at the same time, we do it without thinking of the have-to's. We want to, because the loving has become the living. There is no separation.

I don't know if Irv knows the Lord. I hope he does, and will pray that he will if he doesn't yet. I do know that much of what he has learned, and how he has gotten to this point in his life comes from the love and relationship he has with the creation of God surrounding him-the mountains, water, animals, land and people. That is such an awesome example of the way that God's creation is a testimony of Him. Everything He's made, everyone His hand touches, draws people to the reality of who He is and the kind of relationship He wants to have with all of us. May my life speak in the same way. May I learn to truly live love.

On Hold

Have you ever been on an airplane that has to stay up in the air, circling your destination, while you look down, waiting to land, even catching a glimpse of the airport that, once you get there, will be the beginning of the next stage of your adventure? Most often when this happens, we as passengers are unaware of all of the reasons behind the delay. Only the pilot and those in air traffic control really understand the big picture. All we can do is trust them to do their jobs, keep us up there until it's safe to land, and land us before we run out of fuel.

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in that kind of holding pattern. Mark and I are there right now. We have put much of our lives on hold, including giving up returning to Albania this summer. That is the hardest part for me. We are waiting. We have no control over the timing or decisions of others. We don't have a glimpse behind the scenes or of the big picture. We have to trust.

Psalm 37:3-7a says, "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him"

To "be still" before the Lord here means "to let down the hands, cease striving". That's hard. God does not expect us to sit around our house begging Him to give us everything we desire with no effort on our part. He does, though, want us to do what we can in our own strength and then trust Him with the rest. That's where we are. We have done everything we can to the best of our abilities. Everything else in out of our control. We have to trust.

I want to say that's easy. I want to say that I've got this waiting thing all figured out. I want to say that I can sit back and trust fully. But I am scared. There's probably nothing in my life that I have wanted more than I do this thing. This morning in my prayer time I told the Lord that, in all honesty, I trust Him to do what's best for our family, as well as for the others involved. I just want more than anything for it to work out in our favor. Maybe that's selfish, but it's how I feel. I hope that my testimony during this time will be one of faithfulness in the waiting and a total trust in my Lord. But I will continue to pray for a "yes". This is my dream. I have to trust.

Gene's and Migraines

Two days in a row I've remembered to blog! Maybe it can become a habit again. I was at Bible study this morning and got a call from the school. Actually, it was Lynnea on her teacher's cell phone. What happened to having to go to the office to call home? Anyway, she had a headache and needed to be picked up. Probably I shouldn't have sent her at all today. She was up last night crying with a headache. That's the hardest thing for me to take as a mom. My migraines started around 8 or 9 years old, and I hate to think that I've passed them on to her. I gave her some motrin and let her sleep with me. When she woke up this morning, she felt better, so I sent her to school. It never occurred to me that they have flourescent lights at school, and she'd have to be reading a lot. So, here she is with me, sitting in the dark, and hopefully recovering soon. Gene's are not always good.

Wyoming and Why I love my husband

Mark and I just got back from spending three days in Wyoming. It was a great trip (all but the getting back part!). The people there are so friendly. They are just real people.
In a place like that, pretension fades. What you see is what you get. That's what home (up north, I mean) felt like, and I miss it. It's also why I love my husband, but I'll get to that.


We flew into Jackson Hole in a snowstorm. In fact, they almost didn't let us land. It was beautiful! I miss that, too. We got to drive through the mountains, meet some great people, see moose and buffalo (Mark even ate some), and take a sleighride through the elk refuge. That was awesome!
We wanted to go snowmobiling, but that didn't quite fit into the Baldwin budget. Next time we are definitely taking the kids with us. I can't wait to see it in the summertime and ride horses in the mountains. That would be a dream come true for me (and Lynnea). We are hoping and praying that this will be the beginning of a new adventure for our family.


When we got to the visitor center for the sleighride, we found out that the airport had been closed because a plane had slid off the runway. After the ride, no one was answering the phone at the airport. We decided we'd better pack and head up there just in case it had reopened. When we got there, our flight was one of the few still "on time" (quotes intended!) since we were leaving later in the afternoon. It just went downhill from there.

10 minutes after we were supposed to leave, an American Airlines employee showed up to tell us that there were 10 too many people on the plane, we would board in about 15 minutes, have an unscheduled (20 minutes, they said) stop in Denver (on the way to Chicago, go figure) to refuel, and then fly on to Chicago. Then she disappeared. 40 minutes after we were supposed to take off, another employee showed up. The people who had already missed their Chicago connections offered to stay back so nobody else had to make the unscheduled stop in Denver. They said it didn't matter if 10 people stayed back, we had to go to Denver. Hmmm....

Long story short, our 2 and 1/2 hour layover in Chicago turned into a 15 minute sprint to catch a plane literally at the other end of the airport. That flight then got put back in 5 minute increments until it was finally 45 minutes late. That's not really a big deal, except that, once again, there were no employees available to answer questions. Finally we got onto the plane and ready to take off. Nothing can happen now, right? But wait! The pilot, who had been on the plane 5 minutes ago, had disappeared. He had left the plane, and the flight attendants couldn't find him. What?!?!? But, two hours late and totally exhausted, we finally landed in Memphis. It's a good thing we both have a sense of humor (and that the rest of the trip had been absolutely wonderful).


So, why is loving my husband so connected to this post? Well, one of the things I have always loved about him is that he is a "what you see is what you get" kind of guy. When I went to work at Youth Town with him, I realized that even more. He is exactly the same at work, at church, and in the community as he is at home. He is also, in many ways, the total opposite of me. Yes, that can be frustrating at times, but that's mostly because it points out the things I don't like in myself, things that need to change.

I talk too much. I do. And I use the word "I" way too often. Mark is a listener. He doesn't talk much. He processes everything he hears and carefully forms an opinion based on the big picture. Sometimes I wish he said more, but since he doesn't talk too much, when he does say something, people listen. They know if he feels it's worth saying, its worth listening to. I need to be more like that.

He's also very relaxed. He doesn't get stressed out, nervous, or overly excited. This is also very frustrating to the "show some emotion, PLEASE" part of me. But Mark has the ability to stay focused, pay attention to what's really important, and react calmly and intelligently to almost any situation. Once again-something I need to learn from.

He walks slow. This is probably the most frustrating. I have a goal and want to get there NOW. Mark has a goal, and has learned to slow down and enjoy the journey. I enjoy the journey, too, but I have a tendency to hurry through, thrive off the excitement, and look for the next thing. You think there may be something I can learn here, too?

There's probably a hundred other things I could list, but this is already way too long. Suffice it to say, not only is Mark a wonderful husband, but he is also an amazing teacher. And he does it without saying much. I could learn something.