It's Not About Me

I'm 37 years old, and I spent the first 34 years of my life trying to be who everyone wanted me to be. I tried to be extremely organized & focused on details, because that made me look responsible. I worked very hard at saying the right things, because that made me look smart. I feigned worry over natural disasters, world events, and tests or challenges that I faced, because if you don't worry, you don't care. Or so the world says. I pretended that I never got angry. That instead, I was just very sad when I or someone I cared about was hurt by another. That one I actually believed for a long time. Admitting you are angry when you have fought it for so long is not an easy task. And I pretended that nothing or nobody really mattered to me, somehow thinking that that would make it easier if I lost those things.

Sometime between my 33rd & 34th birthdays, something in me changed. The desire to become who God had created me to be, regardless of what other people thought, rose to the surface & began to boil. I admitted that I truly hate plans & routine & organization. I don't like lists or schedules. I like freedom & spontaneity & having the ability to change my mind. This took letting go of the need to look like I had it all together & could manage the world. I can't, and I have no desire to do so. I admitted that I worry very little about pretty much anything. This doesn't mean I don't care about things. It really doesn't. It just means that it's really ok to take things as they come & not have to be completely prepared or in control all the time. Needing to be in control removes the chance & change, and it bores me. I had to admit that I get angry at injustice. Really angry. And I had to learn to let go of anger over old offenses, forgive and move on, or that anger would continue to affect my relationships now & in the future. That was not easy to do, and is still something I have to consciously practice. But the most important change was admitting that there are people, places & things that matter to me. Deeply. And I have learned that losing those things doesn't hurt any more when you love passionately. The hurt of loss is the same, but the joy while you have that is infinitely greater when you allow yourself to love.

The lesson the Lord has been working on for a while now is that it is not all about me. Mostly that comes out in the fear of screwing everything up, not being liked or accepted, or never being good enough. Did you know that God can use Facebook to convict us and correct us and move us in the direction He wants us to go? Well, that's what He's been doing with me. You see, I will post a status about something that I think is funny, or ridiculous, or reveals something stupid I've done, or is meant to help friends who are struggling in certain areas, or whatever else. And then people will comment in ways that suggest that I am worried or hurt or frustrated or angry or whatever. The hair on my neck will rise, and I feel the need to defend myself. I want to scream, "Don't you know that this is an area that God has already changed in me?" "Will you never let me live changed?" "You have no idea who I really am, do you?" Notice a pattern? It's all about me. It's all about what I am afraid people do, or will, see in me because of these responses.

This week, God had enough of that attitude. You know what that's like-when God has had enough. The Holy Spirit begins to stir your heart, and you feel really uncomfortable. You can't remain the same, think the same, have the same attitude, and still be in obedience to the Lord. He expects something of you. And this week He revealed to me that the responses of others stem from the way they see the world. If they perceive worry, or anger, or frustration, or the need for control, or whatever, that is a heart issue for them. And as their friend, as someone who cares about their heart, my response should never be to react in anger or to defend myself. My response should be to pray for them. The flip side of that is also true. If they respond with words of encouragement, of joy, of confrontation when necessary, of humor, whatever, my response should be to thank the Lord, and them, for their friendship & their willingness to be used by Him in either uplifting or correcting me. You can see I need lots of correction at times. (Hopefully that is improving...)

Obviously I have not achieved the goal of living in all things like it is not about me. But He's working on that, and I intend to cooperate with the Spirit's leading. You now have permission to remind me when I forget :)