It's Not About Me (Part 2)

So, if you read yesterday's note, you got a peak into the yuck that the Lord is working on clearing out of my life right now. While that note wasn't easy to write, it was much easier than this one. You see, that was about what goes on inside of me when my focus is on me and not the Lord. This one is about what comes out of me when I do that, and that is much, much worse.

Most of you reading this already know that I went to Wisconsin & Minnesota for a while this summer and woke up to find my van submerged in a parking-lot-turned-lake one morning. The truth is, although it was not an easy situation, I was able to handle the loss of the van pretty well. I got a little sad & cried some when I cleaned it out, but that was normal grief over letting go of something that held 8+ years of memories for me & my family. That van had been all over the country & witnessed many miles of both laughter & tears. It was where I worshipped & prayed, and it was my escape when I just had to get away. It brought my kids to church & school & soccer practice & gymnastics & a million other activities. Letting go of that was hard, but I honestly never felt for a moment that God was not in control or that He wouldn't make it right.

The problem came in two very specific things that happened during that time. Since I had never been in a situation like that, I just wanted someone to tell me what to do. John, my new friend from Progressive, did that for me. He was very calm & told me very clearly what was my responsibility & what was theirs. This was good. I can follow directions. (Really, I can ;) ) Those directions, though, never took into account that the horrible apartment managers had a contract with an evil towing company who would take my van away before the insurance company could get there. I didn't have $280 to get it back, and they told me they wouldn't let Progressive have it, either. It all worked out, but that was one of my two break downs. The other happened when they called to tell me the settlement offer and that I only had 72 hours left with the rental car. Just enough time to get back to Tennessee, but not enough to look for another vehicle, which, by the way, they were not giving me enough money to come close to purchasing. Remember, I didn't have $280 to pay the towing company, let alone thousands of dollars to buy a new car. The Lord also worked that out, too, of course, but in my mind it was another area that I had messed up.

There are reasons that these two things hit me harder than anything else. They prey on my "tapes" that tell me that I am stupid, I screw everything up, I will never be good enough. And they attack the area of money, which is my one freak out area (well, that & crickets & trains, but that's another story).

On top of those two things, the kids were out of sorts because they were sad & confused & scared about the whole thing. And we had been on vacation, back to Jackson for four days & then headed north. They were exhausted. And they were behaving horribly. All of them. Which fed into my feelings of inadequacy & failure as a mother. So, you take those three things, and you have the recipe for a perfect storm. And storm is what I ended up with.

I started hearing everything that people said, specifically my mom & my sister, through the filter of the tapes in my head. They would say something simple, just making conversation about the kids or a picnic or a game or whatever, and I heard them saying that I was a failure, I don't do anything right, I'm not a good mom, everyone else is more fun for my kids than me. Did they say any of that? No. Did they mean anything close to it? Absolutely not. But I responded to them as if they did. I got snappy & defensive and hurt the feelings of people I love deeply. Thankfully, they accepted my apology & tried to understand where I was coming from, as wrong as my perspective & focus were.

So how does this fit into the "It's Not About Me" category? Well, I think that's pretty obvious. In the areas that I believed that God would take care of everything & make it right, I could smile & laugh, even in the midst of grief & sadness. In the areas where I was focused on me, the areas I always struggle with, there was no way that I could do anything right. And taking it out on the people around me just made that worse. When I, when anyone, reacts to who we are, or who we think we are, in the flesh, we hurt ourselves, other people, and the witness of Christ.

You may want to know why I have taken the time to write these two notes that allow you to see this ugly area of my heart where I have so much work to do. The reason is that I don't believe I am the only one who struggles with a focus problem. I'm not the only one who, when I take my focus off of the Lord and make life all about me, hurts people. So, I want to encourage you to recognize when your focus is wrong, admit it, ask forgiveness, and cooperate with the Lord in refocusing your heart, mind & spirit on Him. As much as we can hurt the cause of Christ in reacting out of wrong focus, we can help it by admitting our mistakes, asking forgiveness & working to make it right. Won't you join me in the process?

It's Not About Me

I'm 37 years old, and I spent the first 34 years of my life trying to be who everyone wanted me to be. I tried to be extremely organized & focused on details, because that made me look responsible. I worked very hard at saying the right things, because that made me look smart. I feigned worry over natural disasters, world events, and tests or challenges that I faced, because if you don't worry, you don't care. Or so the world says. I pretended that I never got angry. That instead, I was just very sad when I or someone I cared about was hurt by another. That one I actually believed for a long time. Admitting you are angry when you have fought it for so long is not an easy task. And I pretended that nothing or nobody really mattered to me, somehow thinking that that would make it easier if I lost those things.

Sometime between my 33rd & 34th birthdays, something in me changed. The desire to become who God had created me to be, regardless of what other people thought, rose to the surface & began to boil. I admitted that I truly hate plans & routine & organization. I don't like lists or schedules. I like freedom & spontaneity & having the ability to change my mind. This took letting go of the need to look like I had it all together & could manage the world. I can't, and I have no desire to do so. I admitted that I worry very little about pretty much anything. This doesn't mean I don't care about things. It really doesn't. It just means that it's really ok to take things as they come & not have to be completely prepared or in control all the time. Needing to be in control removes the chance & change, and it bores me. I had to admit that I get angry at injustice. Really angry. And I had to learn to let go of anger over old offenses, forgive and move on, or that anger would continue to affect my relationships now & in the future. That was not easy to do, and is still something I have to consciously practice. But the most important change was admitting that there are people, places & things that matter to me. Deeply. And I have learned that losing those things doesn't hurt any more when you love passionately. The hurt of loss is the same, but the joy while you have that is infinitely greater when you allow yourself to love.

The lesson the Lord has been working on for a while now is that it is not all about me. Mostly that comes out in the fear of screwing everything up, not being liked or accepted, or never being good enough. Did you know that God can use Facebook to convict us and correct us and move us in the direction He wants us to go? Well, that's what He's been doing with me. You see, I will post a status about something that I think is funny, or ridiculous, or reveals something stupid I've done, or is meant to help friends who are struggling in certain areas, or whatever else. And then people will comment in ways that suggest that I am worried or hurt or frustrated or angry or whatever. The hair on my neck will rise, and I feel the need to defend myself. I want to scream, "Don't you know that this is an area that God has already changed in me?" "Will you never let me live changed?" "You have no idea who I really am, do you?" Notice a pattern? It's all about me. It's all about what I am afraid people do, or will, see in me because of these responses.

This week, God had enough of that attitude. You know what that's like-when God has had enough. The Holy Spirit begins to stir your heart, and you feel really uncomfortable. You can't remain the same, think the same, have the same attitude, and still be in obedience to the Lord. He expects something of you. And this week He revealed to me that the responses of others stem from the way they see the world. If they perceive worry, or anger, or frustration, or the need for control, or whatever, that is a heart issue for them. And as their friend, as someone who cares about their heart, my response should never be to react in anger or to defend myself. My response should be to pray for them. The flip side of that is also true. If they respond with words of encouragement, of joy, of confrontation when necessary, of humor, whatever, my response should be to thank the Lord, and them, for their friendship & their willingness to be used by Him in either uplifting or correcting me. You can see I need lots of correction at times. (Hopefully that is improving...)

Obviously I have not achieved the goal of living in all things like it is not about me. But He's working on that, and I intend to cooperate with the Spirit's leading. You now have permission to remind me when I forget :)