I usually think about things until I have them figured out and then post the questions with my conclusion(s). But there is something that is on my mind all the time, and I have no conclusions. So, I decided to throw out the thoughts and see if any of you have anything to add and/or a solution to the problem: The Square Peg, Round Hole Dilemma. I feel like this most of the time, and, after talking to others, realize that I am not nearly the only one who does.
I have spent time in a lot of places, and have enjoyed almost all of them for different reasons. Out of all those places, though, there are only two that felt like "home". You know. The place where you are totally free to be yourself, no inhibitions, completely comfortable. The weird thing is, I have never actually LIVED in either of these places. They have never been my real home. I shared that with a friend one time who asked why I felt more comfortable in these places. I told him that I felt more like me when I was there. That offended him, because he wanted to know why I wasn't being me here. It is so hard to explain that I am not faking anything or pretending to be someone I am not. Who I am all the time is really part of me. Nothing fake. It's just not ALL of me.
And then, like those places, there are certain people who feel like "home". These are the people, whether you have known them a lifetime or just a little while, who make you feel safe enough to be totally who you are. I have a couple of these people, with whom I feel like I could say anything, do anything, feel anything, and everything would be ok.
The real magic happens when you put those people and places together, and all of your walls come down. That is when your heart soars. You feel totally, completely free. You smile and laugh with everything in you. You cry honest, deep, intimate tears. You feel safer than you have ever felt, and you know what it means to be fully alive. The hole is no longer round, but square, and you fit perfectly.
So what is it that makes the difference? Why don't we feel free wherever we are? Why do we have such a hard time letting all of us come out when we are with people we know love and care about us? What holds us back? What exactly is it that sets us free? And the Jesus answer doesn't count this time, because He is just as much a part of all of our places and relationships-limited and free. So, what do you think?
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4 comments:
Could it be that you feel most like yourself precisely because you are around people who don't know you so you are freed from the preconceived notions - real or contrived - of who you are and how you should act? Kind of along the lines of "...'"A prophet is without honor only in his hometown, among his relatives, and in his own home.'" (Mark 6:4)?
That's an interesting thought, Matt. I hadn't thought about it that way, but I know some situations and people where that would be very true. But then, with other people, it's the comfortability factor of having spent so much time with them that they know everything about you and you know they will never leave that makes you feel safe. So there are two sides to that thought, too.
Mark (who ever you are with this unfortunate name-you have to know my past to understand this),is onto something. Having been a nomad all my life and not really having a "home" I have never felt comfortable anywhere except when we lived in Seattle. America is weird (no offence) and Australia the supposed home is odd (no offence) and so once I finally just figured out I am never gonna fit cos heaven is home, I have been able to move on. It was a pivital part of the decision to go to Albania (God willing) and do a little bit of God's work there for a while. As long as I am comfortable with myself, by myself, being uncomfortable around others is not so daunting. My sage advice... let it go. But I am a fickle friend and guess I can "not care" so much. Not in a bad way, but just shake the dust and move on.
Well, Carol, I would definitely NOT say you are a fickle friend. You have just learned (very well, I might add) to adapt to places that aren't home. I have to admit, it's gotten much easier for me, too (most days). I am just blown away by how many people feel that way, though, even if they are happy where they are. It still just feels like something doesn't "fit". I never realized what a common feeling it is, and it makes me wonder why.
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