I have always loved nature-lakes, rivers, mountains, wild animals. One of the things I have found as my kids grow is that, although I still love these things and enjoy the peace of being surrounded by them, these times also bring sad, uncomfortable feelings. This morning I woke up in a basement (really, people have nice basements you can sleep in) with a window overlooking a beautiful lake with the sun just peaking in. And I was absolutely overwhelmed with guilt-so much so that I almost couldn't get out of bed. The choices we have made to live where we do means that my children will rarely get to experience this kind of peace & beauty. They can't even ride their bikes around the neighborhood without fear of something bad happening to them. I worry that they will resent me for that, that they will grow up wishing they had experienced so much more.
Don't get me wrong. We do as much as we can to give them those kinds of experiences. We take them camping (although we haven't been able to do that since someone stole our trailer hitch from our front yard), go on vacation to small towns and pretty places, and bring them home to Minnesota & Wisconsin whenever we can. But the guilt and fear remains constant-even if sometimes in the back of my mind.
This morning as it overwhelmed me, though, that feeling like we are messing our kids up forever, the Lord gave me a passage that I have read many times. Joel 2:23-26 says, "Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for He has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. 'I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten-the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the swarm-my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.'"
I know many parents who feel the same way I do-some live in an unsafe, unloving place; others live in a nice place surrounded by family, but one of their kids is picked on and rejected; some are missionaries who believe firmly in their calling, yet one or more of their children don't fare well on the mission field; many just simply don't have the money or time to give their children even some of the simpler opportunities they wish they could. We all do the best we can as parents, yet there are always things we wish we could do better. We can hold on to the promise that God is our ultimate Father. He loves and cares for all of His children, our children, much better than we ever could. And He will redeem the years the locusts have eaten. The years where they, and we, could have had much more. (I don't mean material things here. Unless they are necessities, they are not important.)
We love and support our kids, raise them in the faith and knowledge of Jesus Christ, give them as many opportunities for growth and health as we possibly can, and trust God with the rest. He can take both what they have and don't have, what they have experienced (good and bad), to teach them and make something beautiful of their lives. Knowing that, I will try to let go of some of the guilt and shame of what I can't change or do and do the best I can with what I have. And I hope this encourages some of you to do the same.
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You have intstilled in your kids love. Love for God, and for people. All three are loyal loving friends to their friends, all three give love without witholding or asking for anything in return. I think you are doing something very right. I know I grieve when I think of how we ran around our "city"/suburb until dark. And how sam had to stay where I could see him. I grieve about his lack of a male role model. But I try to find peace in the fact that I exposed him to different people, who might have had different beliefs and tried to teach him to give to them and love them. This is what I hold onto.
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