Square Peg, Round Hole

I usually think about things until I have them figured out and then post the questions with my conclusion(s). But there is something that is on my mind all the time, and I have no conclusions. So, I decided to throw out the thoughts and see if any of you have anything to add and/or a solution to the problem: The Square Peg, Round Hole Dilemma. I feel like this most of the time, and, after talking to others, realize that I am not nearly the only one who does.

I have spent time in a lot of places, and have enjoyed almost all of them for different reasons. Out of all those places, though, there are only two that felt like "home". You know. The place where you are totally free to be yourself, no inhibitions, completely comfortable. The weird thing is, I have never actually LIVED in either of these places. They have never been my real home. I shared that with a friend one time who asked why I felt more comfortable in these places. I told him that I felt more like me when I was there. That offended him, because he wanted to know why I wasn't being me here. It is so hard to explain that I am not faking anything or pretending to be someone I am not. Who I am all the time is really part of me. Nothing fake. It's just not ALL of me.

And then, like those places, there are certain people who feel like "home". These are the people, whether you have known them a lifetime or just a little while, who make you feel safe enough to be totally who you are. I have a couple of these people, with whom I feel like I could say anything, do anything, feel anything, and everything would be ok.

The real magic happens when you put those people and places together, and all of your walls come down. That is when your heart soars. You feel totally, completely free. You smile and laugh with everything in you. You cry honest, deep, intimate tears. You feel safer than you have ever felt, and you know what it means to be fully alive. The hole is no longer round, but square, and you fit perfectly.

So what is it that makes the difference? Why don't we feel free wherever we are? Why do we have such a hard time letting all of us come out when we are with people we know love and care about us? What holds us back? What exactly is it that sets us free? And the Jesus answer doesn't count this time, because He is just as much a part of all of our places and relationships-limited and free. So, what do you think?

The Gift of Grace

I learn so many things from my kids. This week, Jadon has taught me about grace. His school has a card system for behavior. They start out on purple. The idea is to stay there all day by having good behavior. Ian & Lynnea never had a problem with this. Jadon is another story. Many days he comes home on green, having had to pull just one card, and almost always for talking. This is the child who thinks that if something comes into his mind, it must come out of his mouth immediately, regardless of what else is going on.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough for him. Two days he's had to pull two cards, and one day he had to pull three. That was a bad day. A really bad day. He got in the car in tears and handed me the note from his teacher, which included a list of his transgressions for the day. Talking I can deal with, but bad behavior is a totally different story. He curled up in his seat and said, through lots of tears, "I really didn't like today at all, Mommy." From the front seat I held up the list facing him and said, "Is there anything on this list that is anyone else's fault but yours?" He said no. So I said, pretty sarcastically I have to admit, "Well, if you want to have a better day, make better choices!" I was a bit too angry to punish him this time, so we waited til Daddy came home. He has a bit more of a level head than me.

The next morning about 6 AM, Jadon crawled into bed with me. He wrapped those little arms around my neck and whispered, "I love you, Mommy" just before he fell back asleep. I cuddled him close and prayed for him, all traces of anger and frustration gone. I couldn't help but be reminded of how God deals with us in our sin. Our sin breaks His heart, and He allows us to suffer the consequences for it. But He also freely forgives, extends grace, and restores us to walk with Him again. And He does it over and over. I am so grateful for a Daddy whose lap is always open when I need to cry, ask forgiveness and be restored in grace. And I am grateful for the children He has given to remind me of His character.