So I said in my last post, which I know was a couple weeks ago, that I have a book I want to blog about. Well, I finished reading it the day I wrote that, but it's taken me this long to begin to process it. I think what I am going to do is take it chapter by chapter and just share my thoughts. If you are reading this and want to participate in th discussion, feel free to leave comments. The book is called "Foreign to Familiar" by Sarah A. Lanier. It was recommended to me by a friend who understands how difficult it is for a yankee to live in the south. She has been very instrumental in helping me understand that I have been placed in a "foreign culture", and that, even though it's not overseas, I have to look at it just like anyone going to a foreign country on the mission field. That new outlook has made living in West Tennessee much easier to bear, and I am grateful for the insight and understanding of my friend.
To be honest, the book kind of made me mad at first. That's part of why it's taken so long for me to process through it. It talks about how hot-climate cultures (like the south) value relationship more than cold-climate culture (like the north). First of all, I dont agree with that idea at all, and it made me not want to read the rest of the book. Then I remembered that the author is from the south, so her definition of relationship is already different than mine. And I think that what it comes down to-how you define relationship.
There are a lot of definitions for relationship in the dictionary, so here is a summary: 1. a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection)2. a state involving mutual dealings between people or parties or countries 3. relatedness or connection by blood or marriage or adoption
As a cold-climate person myself, I highly value relationships with people. In fact, that is part of the reason I have had such a hard time living in the south. I don't see a true understanding of relationship. The culture I live in is much more concerned with appearances in the way they relate to people than in actually building relationships. Real relationships take work and time and effort and honesty. They are not built overnight, and they don't stay strong without consistent effort. They also cannot be real if they are not built on truth and honesty. Always pretending everything is great and saying the things that the person wants to hear only play into appearances and do nothing to build a real relationship. So, that is the way I define relationship, and that is the view that the rest of my posts about this book will come from.
If you have an opinion about this subject, I'd love to hear it. Until next time...
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3 comments:
What's so weird too is that we in the South think we're having meaningful relationships.My perception of "yankees" was cold and private.I didn't think they knew how to do relationship.So,guess we've got to learn about each other,huh? I TOTALLY agree with your perception of a relationship.I just may have to check out this book you're talking about.
Something I thought about when you mentioned appearances is that we're very quick to compliment someone's hair,shoes,dress,purse,etc.But,do we as quickly and easily compliment them on a personality trait? Such as "I admire your kindness to others" or "I notice and appreciate your hard work".
I also agree that relationships take honesty.You have to be willing to be honest and also have to be able to be trusted with honesty.It won't work otherwise.I think this is 2 reasons why people fail at relationships.They can't be transparent enough or they can't be trusted.both are very very valuable attributes we should strive for.
I agree with your thoughts Rhonda. As a "Third Culture" person, like MK's I was partly raised in America, australia is my home and I have ended up back here, but don't really belong. The first thing that struck me, and I am sure our friends in Albania (the MK's at least) would agree that American (and I would add Southern more than Californian- which are my comparisons) do throw alot of compliments and "friendliness" around, but true relation ship with honesty and openess and trust ARE hard to find. It was this that actually caused me to dump my accent so quickly. Everyone in the 12th grade, where I transferred when I got to America, wanted to know me because I was cute and had an accent. So I dumped the accent and thusly, have no friends to speak of from that year! No one wanted to hang around me for fun and real friendship.
This is why I LOVE our small group! We are real, transparent, and honest.
I love you Rhonda!
Hmmmm...if relationships are built on appearance, I'm in BIG trouble! I'm the worst and still can't figure out why my beautiful friends aren't ashamed to be seen with me.
I like your definition of relationship: "Real relationships take work and time and effort and honesty. They are not built overnight, and they don't stay strong without consistent effort. They also cannot be real if they are not built on truth and honesty." What you say is very true, it takes work and effort not only to make a relationship happen, but to see that it stays healthy and strong.
I've made mistakes in relationships, but I hope to use what I've learned from my mess ups to better the relationships I make in my future. If a relationship isn't honest, I don't want it, and sometimes honesty can hurt! The ironic thing is that sometimes that honesty in a relationship is what makes it strong and resilient.
You are so wise. :)
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