Real Friends

Quite a few things have happened over the past month or so that have caused me to ponder relationships and the names we call each other, specifically "friend". I live in the south now, and I have realized that people here are quick to jump every time someone needs something, or even if they don't. Having a baby here was a total shock to me. Did you know people actually bring meals to people who have babies? I didn't. When Ian was born, people came to visit and celebrate, not feed us. But that was in Minnesota. When Lynnea was born here, I got in trouble with some people because we were out shopping and weren't home when they tried to bring us supper. It actually offended me, as though they thought that having a baby suddenly rendered me unable to lift a spoon or turn on the oven, or that I had done nothing to plan for this event over the 9 months I had to prepare for the child's arrival. I have since learned that it is one of those cultural things I will just have to accept without understanding. And that is just one example of things that people will do to "help".

Another thing, which is not southern-specific, but a situation you find everywhere, is that people will sit and listen to you talk about yourself all day, but most are barely willing to open up and share even a little bit of their life with you. And that's just if you ask. If you don't ask, they will almost never volunteer anything about themselves.

Frankly, it gets tiring, lonely and depressing to try to have relationships with people when they are one-sided. Relationships are supposed to require something from us. They are supposed to be give and take. When someone only wants to give and listen and support but will not give you the opportunity to do the same in return, they rob you of the joy of being their friend. Which is why I think we throw the word "friend" around too easily. Someone we meet up with in the grocery store, at school or sporting events, or even at church, who will smile and say hi, and sometimes even hug you is not a "friend", they are an acquaintance.

A friend is someone who trusts you and your relationship enough to allow you to help meet their physical, emotional and spiritual needs. They'll share their struggles and joys, and allow you to help and celebrate with them. They will not ask you (even if not in words, but by their actions) to allow them to be a friend to you without allowing you to be one to them, too. So today I am reevaluating my relationships. I will be more careful about the names I give people in my life. Although my list of "friends" has shortened significantly through this process, the value of those who truly are my friends has increased beyond measure. They are the ones who I can walk alongside knowing that we can truly do life together.