We hear so much, especially in Christian circles, about "real relationships". Everybody says they want them, many struggle to define them, and often, if we're honest, we are scared to death of them. Most people that I know think that the key to real relationships is to be able to share everything that is on your heart and mind with someone. The thing is, for some people, that's really easy to do with anyone anytime. For others, talking about the things inside of them is very difficult, even with people they are very close to.
I have come to realize over the past few months that real relationships are much more dependent on our ability to care about others, rather than it is on their willingness to care about us. There is a poem I have always loved called, "Will You Be My Friend", and one line says, "I talk about myself when I am afraid." I am one of those people that finds it fairly easy to be open & honest about my "stuff". The thing is, talking about me protects me from having to care about others, to let them have a space in my heart. That way, when they leave or turn their backs, the pain will not be so great. They will not have had ownership on any part of me.
The Lord has put a couple of people in my life that have stretched me in this area, who have snuck past that thick wall around my heart. He has also moved us into a small group of people that puts me at risk for allowing even more people past that wall. To be completely honest, I am petrified of taking that step. But I can see how God has begun to heal hurts from the past in preparation for what He is getting ready to do. Although I thought I understood real relationship, and have had glimpses of it in the past, I think the Lord is getting ready to show me by experience what that really means. And while it is a frightening prospect, it is a gift of opportunity that I am eager to grasp.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
For I Know the Plans I Have for You...
Our ladies Bible study group started in the book of Exodus this week. This is one of those books I have read & studied before, but, like the living book the Bible is, this time around it is speaking to me in a totally different way. It is almost overwhelming to think about how God plans the events of the whole universe, and yet His plans for each individual person fit perfectly into that bigger plan. Our faults, fears, failures, hurts, losses, joys, achievements, highs and lows will all eventually fit perfectly into His story. Like my friend said tonight, "I sometimes wonder what my 5 verses in the Bible would say one day."
It's easy to look at what we are going through in this moment, this season, good or bad, and think this is all there is. Our sight is so limited. Yet when we look back, we can begin to get a small glimpse of how it all fits together, how the Lord has worked things out for good and for His purposes-just like He promised to those who love Him. But wouldn't our lives be a much better witness-so much more full of thankfulness and joy-if we intentionally looked at each moment, each day, as a part of His plan. Not just knowing in our head that it is, but having that knowledge stored in our heart, that we could begin to look for the blessing in everything. Everyday. And then communicate His presence and activity in our lives to the people around us. If we lived like that, we would truly be offering the world something it cannot manufacture on it's own. Don't you think the world would begin to long for what we have? I do.
It's easy to look at what we are going through in this moment, this season, good or bad, and think this is all there is. Our sight is so limited. Yet when we look back, we can begin to get a small glimpse of how it all fits together, how the Lord has worked things out for good and for His purposes-just like He promised to those who love Him. But wouldn't our lives be a much better witness-so much more full of thankfulness and joy-if we intentionally looked at each moment, each day, as a part of His plan. Not just knowing in our head that it is, but having that knowledge stored in our heart, that we could begin to look for the blessing in everything. Everyday. And then communicate His presence and activity in our lives to the people around us. If we lived like that, we would truly be offering the world something it cannot manufacture on it's own. Don't you think the world would begin to long for what we have? I do.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
It's Time to Be Me Again.
So here it is, 1 o'clock in the morning, and once again, I can't sleep. I've thought about whether or not to write this post for about a week now, but I think that sometimes we just have to be gut-level honest about where we're at. Besides, you never know when someone else needs to hear the things you're thinking, when they might just be thinking or feeling the same things, and feel like they're all alone. Some people know that I have struggled for years (possibly even my whole life) with periods of depression. After Lynnea was born, and then again about three years later, I was on anti-depressants for a while. I have tried very hard to not have to take medication again, not because I think there is something wrong with it, but because I don't want to become dependent on it. This past year has been so difficult, though, that I finally had to admit I needed to do something about it. I heard about an herbal supplement called Sam-E, which a doctor I trust said worked in a similar fashion to Welbutrin, but it is all natural. So I tried it. I've been taking it for about two weeks now, and finally the fog seems to be lifting for the first time in a long time.
Obviously over the past year I have become more and more negative, and I hate that. As the fog clears, though, I can begin to pinpoint why-and it is because, as much as I don't like this place, I hate even more what I have become, what I have allowed to change in my heart and mind because of it. I used to smile and laugh and love freely and enjoy life. That's one of the reasons I enjoyed Albania so much. I found that part of me again there. And I liked it.
I used to love and trust people freely. I trusted people until they proved themselves untrustworthy. In the past 11 years, I have begun to distrust everyone until they prove themselves trustworthy. I have seen so much fakiness, so many people who use "prayer requests" to gossip, so many people who will "honey dear" you to death to your face and tear you to pieces behind your back, so many people who will be nowhere around for years and then act like you're their long lost best friend when you see them in the grocery store, that it begins to feel like real relationships are a pipe dream. It's like high school in an adult world. It's depressing and hurtful. And the worst part for me is that I have allowed it to color my view of people in general. I don't trust, and therefore I don't love the way the Lord loves me and expects me to love others. And I have allowed the freedom that comes with selfless love to be chipped away until it is almost unrecognizable. I don't like that.
I always wanted four kids. I did. A lot. And then after our third surprise (no, we didn't plan any of them-but we wouldn't trade them for anything), Mark wanted to be done, and I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't stand the thought of being pregnant and having another baby as long as we lived here. Ian was born in late October in Minnesota. The day we came home from the hospital, we took him to the laundromat while we did the laundry to get ready for the company we had coming that week. People oohed and aahed over him and told us what a precious baby we had. It was such a joyful and pleasant time. Family and friends came to visit. No one tried to cook our meals or clean our house. They just sat, held the baby, and celebrated with us. Then we moved to Tennessee and had Lynnea a little over a year after Ian was born. Mark's mom was so excited that she was a girl (no, we didn't find out before any of them were born), so we went shopping when we left the hospital. Grandma wanted to get some cute little girl things. It was supposed to be a fun trip. I was in the bathroom changing her diaper, and a lady I had never seen before asked me how old she was. When I said two days, she literally went off on me about how terrible it was for either of us to be out of the house that early. Excuse me???? Then, when Jadon was born two years later, my mom had to fly out of Memphis two days after he was born. We loaded the kids into the van to take her to the airport and have a fun afternoon out in Memphis. When we got home, I found out that people were mad at us because they had tried to bring us food and we weren't home. How was I supposed to know that people did that? I mean, they brought us food when Mark was in the hospital, but he nearly died. And it was an emergency. And we didn't have 9 MONTHS to prepare for it. So here I was, trying to enjoy my family and not being pregnant anymore, and I was criticized and belittled by everyone I met. And by the way, my kids have been sick very little. Now that I am watching my friends begin to have their 4ths, I have to fight the resentment over having the joy of just being a new mom diminished by people who expected me to stay in the house like a hermit for 8 weeks. Seriously. Talk about post-partum depression. I would have had to be committed after a week. I know that that was our decision, but I also remember what it felt like, and emotionally at the time I just couldn't take it anymore. And it's probably my biggest hurt about this place.
I have also become lazy. I used to be motivated, adventurous and excited about life. I loved to be busy and social. After 11 years in a place where people decide for you how busy you are and what you can handle, I have become accustomed to doing not much of anything. Until we moved here, I thought that the way it worked was that people called you to ask you to do things socially, or to help when needed. If you could, you said yes, and if you were busy, you said no. That's not the way it works here. They look at what they see from the outside, and, if they would be overwhelmed with three kids, a job and a husband in graduate school, they decide that you are overwhelmed, too. Then they don't call, they don't ask, and you get to watch and hear about the times that other people go out and do things, or work together on projects that you would have loved to have been a part of. If only you weren't too busy by their perceptions. So, I have responded to that by pulling back. I don't volunteer for things, because I am tired of hearing people say, "Oh, you have too much going on. I'll ask someone else." And I don't ask people to go do things, because I get tired of hearing, "You don't have to do that. I know it will take time away from your family." I don't like that about myself, either.
I guess I could go on, but my point is that I have responded to life in the south by becoming less than who I am, less than who I was created to be. I have to take responsibility for my reaction to my surroundings. And I can't do that anymore. For the most part, people don't like me much anyway. But if they didn't like who I was when I got here, and they don't like me now, they aren't ever going to like me. And I like the old me a lot better. And I think I'll like the person God created me to be even more, as I grow to learn and become more and more like Him. So, my choices are to stay the same and continue to respond to the culture I am surrounded by, or to rise above it and become the me I am supposed to be. I like the second option better. And even if I have to struggle through the process alone, I will go through it, because the alternative is unacceptable-to me and to the God who made me.
Obviously over the past year I have become more and more negative, and I hate that. As the fog clears, though, I can begin to pinpoint why-and it is because, as much as I don't like this place, I hate even more what I have become, what I have allowed to change in my heart and mind because of it. I used to smile and laugh and love freely and enjoy life. That's one of the reasons I enjoyed Albania so much. I found that part of me again there. And I liked it.
I used to love and trust people freely. I trusted people until they proved themselves untrustworthy. In the past 11 years, I have begun to distrust everyone until they prove themselves trustworthy. I have seen so much fakiness, so many people who use "prayer requests" to gossip, so many people who will "honey dear" you to death to your face and tear you to pieces behind your back, so many people who will be nowhere around for years and then act like you're their long lost best friend when you see them in the grocery store, that it begins to feel like real relationships are a pipe dream. It's like high school in an adult world. It's depressing and hurtful. And the worst part for me is that I have allowed it to color my view of people in general. I don't trust, and therefore I don't love the way the Lord loves me and expects me to love others. And I have allowed the freedom that comes with selfless love to be chipped away until it is almost unrecognizable. I don't like that.
I always wanted four kids. I did. A lot. And then after our third surprise (no, we didn't plan any of them-but we wouldn't trade them for anything), Mark wanted to be done, and I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't stand the thought of being pregnant and having another baby as long as we lived here. Ian was born in late October in Minnesota. The day we came home from the hospital, we took him to the laundromat while we did the laundry to get ready for the company we had coming that week. People oohed and aahed over him and told us what a precious baby we had. It was such a joyful and pleasant time. Family and friends came to visit. No one tried to cook our meals or clean our house. They just sat, held the baby, and celebrated with us. Then we moved to Tennessee and had Lynnea a little over a year after Ian was born. Mark's mom was so excited that she was a girl (no, we didn't find out before any of them were born), so we went shopping when we left the hospital. Grandma wanted to get some cute little girl things. It was supposed to be a fun trip. I was in the bathroom changing her diaper, and a lady I had never seen before asked me how old she was. When I said two days, she literally went off on me about how terrible it was for either of us to be out of the house that early. Excuse me???? Then, when Jadon was born two years later, my mom had to fly out of Memphis two days after he was born. We loaded the kids into the van to take her to the airport and have a fun afternoon out in Memphis. When we got home, I found out that people were mad at us because they had tried to bring us food and we weren't home. How was I supposed to know that people did that? I mean, they brought us food when Mark was in the hospital, but he nearly died. And it was an emergency. And we didn't have 9 MONTHS to prepare for it. So here I was, trying to enjoy my family and not being pregnant anymore, and I was criticized and belittled by everyone I met. And by the way, my kids have been sick very little. Now that I am watching my friends begin to have their 4ths, I have to fight the resentment over having the joy of just being a new mom diminished by people who expected me to stay in the house like a hermit for 8 weeks. Seriously. Talk about post-partum depression. I would have had to be committed after a week. I know that that was our decision, but I also remember what it felt like, and emotionally at the time I just couldn't take it anymore. And it's probably my biggest hurt about this place.
I have also become lazy. I used to be motivated, adventurous and excited about life. I loved to be busy and social. After 11 years in a place where people decide for you how busy you are and what you can handle, I have become accustomed to doing not much of anything. Until we moved here, I thought that the way it worked was that people called you to ask you to do things socially, or to help when needed. If you could, you said yes, and if you were busy, you said no. That's not the way it works here. They look at what they see from the outside, and, if they would be overwhelmed with three kids, a job and a husband in graduate school, they decide that you are overwhelmed, too. Then they don't call, they don't ask, and you get to watch and hear about the times that other people go out and do things, or work together on projects that you would have loved to have been a part of. If only you weren't too busy by their perceptions. So, I have responded to that by pulling back. I don't volunteer for things, because I am tired of hearing people say, "Oh, you have too much going on. I'll ask someone else." And I don't ask people to go do things, because I get tired of hearing, "You don't have to do that. I know it will take time away from your family." I don't like that about myself, either.
I guess I could go on, but my point is that I have responded to life in the south by becoming less than who I am, less than who I was created to be. I have to take responsibility for my reaction to my surroundings. And I can't do that anymore. For the most part, people don't like me much anyway. But if they didn't like who I was when I got here, and they don't like me now, they aren't ever going to like me. And I like the old me a lot better. And I think I'll like the person God created me to be even more, as I grow to learn and become more and more like Him. So, my choices are to stay the same and continue to respond to the culture I am surrounded by, or to rise above it and become the me I am supposed to be. I like the second option better. And even if I have to struggle through the process alone, I will go through it, because the alternative is unacceptable-to me and to the God who made me.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I am Plop Hero :)
You all know by now that I LOVE Sarah Palin. Her kids do have some different names, though. A friend of mine found this site, and I think it's hilarious. My name would be Plop Hero Palin. Mark said it sounds like I'd do well in a bathroom contest. Gross-I know! Try it out:
politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html
politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html
Sunday, September 7, 2008
My Project
Just thought I'd post some pics of my new bathroom. Mark helped hang the medicine cabinet, and Ian & Lynnea helped lift the old and new vanities over the pipes. Other than that, I did it all myself-including installing the new sink and faucet. I'm pretty proud of how it turned out.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
What Goes on in the Liberal's Mind
Ok, so I sorta forgot about my blog until a friend commented on an old post today. Since I couldn't sleep, and there's a lot on my mind, I thought I'd sit down and share some of it. Actually, I am going to write what I think surely must go on in the minds of liberal voters in America. Here goes:
"I think I'll vote for that Obama fellow. I have all these medical bills and prescriptions. He says I don't have to worry about health care. The government will pay for that. It's the government. I'm sure they have unlimited supplies of money. It won't affect my income at all. I also have this big house, and the three cars in the garage are causing a bit of a problem. He says that I don't have to worry about making those payments, though. The government will take care of that, too, if it gets too much for me to handle.
He said he won't raise taxes for me and my friends, just the businesses we work for. I'm sure it won't affect my paycheck at all if they have to pay more in taxes. Wow. When I think about that, I'm getting off pretty good. Free health care, all my bills paid, and no higher taxes. Maybe I'll even be able to afford a vacation this year. That is, if the terrorists don't attack us or take away our oil supply. Oh, nevermind. I forgot. He's going to negotiate with them, too. I'm sure they'll slash prices on their oil just to accomodate the president who worked side by side with one of their leaders. This guy just gets better all the time.
And what about that other guy? He thinks that government spending should be cut. I'm pretty sure that means I'd have to pay all of my own bills and take care of my own family. That would be asking way too much. He also thinks we should fight the terrorists before they attack us. Don't you think that might offend them? We wouldn't want anyone to be mad at us just because we care about the safety of our families.
And then there's that woman. She doesn't just talk about cutting spending in government, she actually does it. She also chose to have a baby who she knew would have special needs. And now she is supporting her teenage daughter who has chosen to keep her baby. What if that gets out. My goodness, we might all have to start taking responsibility for the consequences of our actions. We can't have that. No. Choice is only a viable argument if it results in the murder of a baby (I mean, elimination of a problem). This is just getting out of hand.
I know that Obama uses a lot of words, but it sure does sound good. All that flowery language and pie-in-the-sky retoric really excites a crowd. And if it sounds good, it must be good, right? I mean, he does quote the Bible. I'm not sure God meant it the way he uses it, but at least he says it. That must be good for something. I know he doesn't have any experience as a leader, but surely he can pick that up along the way. And bless his little heart, he sure does want the job. I mean, he could have lots of TV time and get to take private jets wherever he wants. It would give all our little boys and girls something to aspire to."
Well, I'm sure I could add quite a bit more sarcasm here, but that's enough for one night. Point made.
"I think I'll vote for that Obama fellow. I have all these medical bills and prescriptions. He says I don't have to worry about health care. The government will pay for that. It's the government. I'm sure they have unlimited supplies of money. It won't affect my income at all. I also have this big house, and the three cars in the garage are causing a bit of a problem. He says that I don't have to worry about making those payments, though. The government will take care of that, too, if it gets too much for me to handle.
He said he won't raise taxes for me and my friends, just the businesses we work for. I'm sure it won't affect my paycheck at all if they have to pay more in taxes. Wow. When I think about that, I'm getting off pretty good. Free health care, all my bills paid, and no higher taxes. Maybe I'll even be able to afford a vacation this year. That is, if the terrorists don't attack us or take away our oil supply. Oh, nevermind. I forgot. He's going to negotiate with them, too. I'm sure they'll slash prices on their oil just to accomodate the president who worked side by side with one of their leaders. This guy just gets better all the time.
And what about that other guy? He thinks that government spending should be cut. I'm pretty sure that means I'd have to pay all of my own bills and take care of my own family. That would be asking way too much. He also thinks we should fight the terrorists before they attack us. Don't you think that might offend them? We wouldn't want anyone to be mad at us just because we care about the safety of our families.
And then there's that woman. She doesn't just talk about cutting spending in government, she actually does it. She also chose to have a baby who she knew would have special needs. And now she is supporting her teenage daughter who has chosen to keep her baby. What if that gets out. My goodness, we might all have to start taking responsibility for the consequences of our actions. We can't have that. No. Choice is only a viable argument if it results in the murder of a baby (I mean, elimination of a problem). This is just getting out of hand.
I know that Obama uses a lot of words, but it sure does sound good. All that flowery language and pie-in-the-sky retoric really excites a crowd. And if it sounds good, it must be good, right? I mean, he does quote the Bible. I'm not sure God meant it the way he uses it, but at least he says it. That must be good for something. I know he doesn't have any experience as a leader, but surely he can pick that up along the way. And bless his little heart, he sure does want the job. I mean, he could have lots of TV time and get to take private jets wherever he wants. It would give all our little boys and girls something to aspire to."
Well, I'm sure I could add quite a bit more sarcasm here, but that's enough for one night. Point made.
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